The book I am reading just said: Much to the chagrin of my pride, I came to the end of myself and all of my own resourcefulness. That's when God showed up and revealed who was really taking care of me.
This encounter with a benevolent provider cemented in my spirit forever that God would take care of me. In the face of my own helplessness and yes, even something in spite of my poor choices and decisions, my Abba Father covered me/supplied my need accordingly.
Oh, how reading those words have led to me write about my own encounter with God. I remember thinking years after, how I was so engulfed with sin, that it took God taking me to another country, being absolutely alone, and allowing me to be sick for me to realize that CONTROL INDEED is His. I have no control on my circumstances with giving over my circumstances. God's life for me is so much greater and worthwhile than I could ever imagine for myself. I love Guatemala. I went one time for a week with my church and I fell in love with the place. The people being so welcoming and making me part of the family just as I got off of the plane. That next summer I had planned on going with the group from church and then staying an extra month and going to a language school. That first week at the language school was really fun. I lived with a woman named Elivira who spoke no English so you had to practice your Spanish with her. She made the best food and I was enjoying my one on one time learning Spanish. I had stayed with two teenage girls from my church. Even though I hated it at the time, God allowed them to be teenagers and no longer go to the language school or stay with me. I went to hang out with them one night and ordered Chinese. I know that this is what gave me the parasite b/c they ate something different and didn't get sick. I went back to Elvira's feeling funny and feeling even more alone. I didn't want to go back to school for the second day. I didn't want to eat, all I did do was throw up, lay down, go to the bathroom, and then lay back down. I ended up going to a doctor's office. The doctor spoke no English and gave me nauseous pills and something else. I honestly didn't take the anti-nauseous pills and started to feel worse. I would go down for the wonderful meal Elvira prepared, eat a little then go straight upstairs and throw it back up. I went back to the doctors by myself with my English/Spanish dictionary in my hand. This huge Guatemalan man nurse (Murse) took my blood and at the time I had nothing in my system for them to test if I had a parasite. Trying to go number 2 on a stick in a half dirty doctor's office with a huge Guatemalan man waiting to test it brought me to my knees. Blood work was fine and the other showed I did have a parasite. By this time I had been in the country for 2-3 weeks and didn't want to leave. I also didn't have enough balls to find out how to get my plane ticket changed at that time. The nights are where I had my conversations with God. No tv, just my IPOD, really pre-Ipod, Bible, journal, and books that I had been highlighting and reading. I would get the sweats, hurt, and then it began. I remember calling my friends dad that's a family doctor. I kept saying, "I can't catch my breathe. I can't breathe." I remember him telling me that had nothing to do with parasites, that it sounded like panic attacks. What were panic attacks? I remember the nights of not being able to breath and being on my knees and asking God to help me breathe in and out. That is when I realized that God is in control of EVERYTHING. My surroundings, my body, HELLO, my breathes! At that time in my life I thought that I was forgiven. That I was fine. Good job, able to go free through donations to learn Spanish, I had even been forgiven for my relationship with my ex-fiancee. At that time I had even began to forgive myself for the role in being with a man that lived in another state, would not call me for weeks, not return any e-mails, and still I wore a ring from a faulty relationship. I remember the night that I had gotten engaged and when telling my mom she said, "How can you be engaged when he is still married?" I didn't allow myself to think about how he was still married or how he was going back to California the next day. At the time, I didn't love myself to rock the boat. I didn't ask questions or talk about my wants/feelings b/c at least he said I was pretty when he did call or when he was there. He did surprise me with coming home, but I never questioned why his family didn't like me. I never questioned anything b/c then he would leave and at least I had it good for a time. (Even before posting this, as I was checking for misspellings, I can't believe that I had felt that way. I would never want a friend or family member to feel like that.) So, as I am in Guatemala, sick to my stomach, not being able to breathe thinking that I have forgiven myself for my non-role in the relationship, God took care of me. He allowed me to breath and he showed me that I in fact had no control. It was Him that has always been beside me. Even while I was sinning. I went to the language school and they helped me get my ticket changed. Through even more Godly events, I came home 35 pounds smaller, not fluent in Spanish, and one week earlier than planned. That time began my real relationship with God. The parasite was gone by the time I came back home, but my panic attacks came on stronger. With working with a wonderful therapist and learning to coping techniques, my panic attacks were able to dissolve. That was years ago and things have at times been not any better. My sister took me under her wing and ever since we have lived together. I was able to go to Brazil, where I fell in love once again with God's people and it allowed time to reconnect with Him. God still has control over everything in my life. When I am going to meet the man He has for me. When my hardwork pays off for me to be at a healthy weight when I am no longer on anxiety meds and don't have hints of panic attacks.
I am going to end this entry with a prayer:
O Lord, how far I have come since realizing that you are right beside me. You know all there is to me and love me still. How gracious you are. That I am no longer the Christine of younger years. How I would never make the same decisions that I have in the past. My worth isn't shown through someone loving or sadly even liking me. You have saved me from my own sinfulness and I am in no way the girl of my early years. You have made everything new in due time. You have washed my sins away and made me pure and white as snow. Thank you over and over.
Amen
Persevering:
Proverbs 31:21
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
Here is a picture of everyone that was staying with Elivira at the time.
This picture was taken the night
before I left Elivira's.
TuTi lived with Elivira and
went to school in the city. Look
how skinny I looked. Skinny
only b/c I was sick.
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