Bread of Life

He is the Bread of Life. When you feel empty inside, look to Him for fulfillment.

How many times have I heard this verse. Why is it that just now I understand what it really means. Bread of Life. What you eat bringing you nutrition. He is all that we need. Lately, well this whole year I've gone back and forth with wanting to be seen/notice for all that I do at work and lately with my weight loss. I'll know who I am in God and it will be enough for me not to be concerned with what others do/don't do. He is there. He is in the book that I am reading and how the scripture/story that I need to hear is right there today. How I'm wondering why I don't see my progress on my weight loss and on the Wedding Weight Loss show last night they had makeovers. The contestants were also having a hard time seeing progress. How it's been a rough week at work and even though I don't want my mom to be sick, she needed another iron infusion this week. Today I was able to go with her and have quiet time with God. I'm able to help my mom, even by only driving and sitting with her will make the day easier on her. By seeing he cancer patients and how I'm healthy and even in the mist of pain, they have better attitudes than me.

How across from mom and me there is these two couples. Both wives are getting treatment. Both husbands are reading and sitting by their wives. The one couple closest to me, the wife (patient) is making a point to tell everyone that, "This is the best that I have felt since my surgery." The husband even called and picked up Mexican Food for lunch. It's showing two things.

1. How I've been praying for my husband and it would be wonderful to be with him.

2. That you just do it. If you love your Mom like I do, then you'll get her a warm blanket and try not to wake her up. If you love your wife likes these two men do, than you sit by your wife and hold her hand. And so, it hits me like a ton of bricks again, but, Jesus has said this over and over, "What you do for the least of them, YOU DO FOR ME!!" And so when I'm frustrated at work, when I can't see my weight loss, or when I so don't want to help someone that has burned me, I think of Jesus and how I am doing it for Him. I'm not saying that I'm not going to get frustrated/hurt. But, I am going to be more apt to close my eyes and gives what's asked of me to the Lord.

Galatians 6:9

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we'll reap a harvest if we don't give up.

Do you feel as if you're running out of steam? That you can't endure any longer?

ASK GOD to lift you up and give you RENEWED ENERGY.

God will send you what and who you need to hold on to the adventures He has planned for you.

When

When will I see a physical change in my body? When will I look in the mirror and see a change? Is there a certain number on the scale? Other people have said things. I can't fit into some of my pants and have had to go down one to really two sizes in pants. I fit into the two dresses that I couldn't even button when I bought them. But, the things is when I look in the mirror, clothes on and off, I don't really see that much of a change. So, when I get discouraged or someon tries to tear me down, my faith is what's needed to give me that boost and that kick in my butt that I need. I need to remember that even if I can't see it, God knows all the hard work that I have been doing. He and I know the effort and time that I have put into this. So, if there is anyone out there that has lost weight and has some kind of idea of what I am talking about, please contact me. Please also contact me if you have any suggestions for me. I was at my Biggest Loser group tonight working out. One of my team mates asked me if I thought that I had lost weight and wondered if I would do it again. I told her that if I did, I would wait and do it at the same time next year. I also told her about what I typed above, and she said, "Don't you see it in pictures?" I guess I do. But then again I am writing about it on my blog so maybe I really don't see it.

My Day

Okay, shall I talk about my day? Will my headache and shortness of breath go away if I just put my thoughts on paper and give it away to the Lord? Today wasn't unlike any other that I have had this year. I was constantly on the move/helping students in some way today. Personal life is going fine, so stress wasn't even coming from that. A couple of my friends are having a hard time, but I have been praying for them when they come to my mind. I also easily got a sub for Thursday to be with my mom during her iron infusion. It usually doesn't hit me until we get to the hospital that she really is sick. She will fall asleep or just get really drowsy and then will finally admit that it was a good that idea that I took her. I had told another teacher that I was glad that today I wasn't going home to children or a husband. I could do anything that I wanted with my afternoon. (I did find it funny that while I was writing this at Starbucks, there were a bunch of families there with the their children.) Last night was a different story. I worked out with with my Biggest Loser group. We did SPRINTS, arm workouts, ab workouts, and stretching. My arms ached last night and this morning. Yes, I understand No Pain, No Gain. But, even when I was doing the exercises, I was thinking that it would be nice to have someone to rub my shoulders. This is a tale for another post, but one of my friends was surprised when I told her that I pray for my future husband. God is the one that knows where he is and when it's our time to be together, and who wouldn't want to know that they had been covered in prayer? And so back to me sitting in Starbucks, (with a bunch of kids running around), having had a long day with my kids/coworkers. I could sit here for however long and then go home. Maybe even stop and get something to eat. Fries, It's been bad day so it's okay. A donut, well I worked today for it. No, that's the OLD CHRISTINE. This Christine knows that writing down her feelings and then giving her day over to God and going to the gym is what should be done. My head hurts even more. Why would I want to ride a bike? It's that and so many other compromises that I have allowed myself to take, to get to this weight. Last night at the Biggest Loser we had a workout and then we had time to sir and listen to CeCe and the other volunteers share the reasons why they are helping in the Biggest Loser. It was just what I needed to hear, the same struggles and to see how other women have pushed through it. Cece said when someone tells you No, that you CAN'T DO IT, someone that tears you down instead of building you up, that is the time to move like you never have before. It's in those times when you could have a pity party or when you could eat a Big mac, fries, and not work out at all that day. Or you could do like I am doing, choosing to make the right decision for me and work out. Another thing from last night was needing to take the time to see how far you have come. Not just the amount of weight and inches that I have lost, but also how fast I can run or how much farther I can do when working out. People from work and my friends have been saying that they can notice that I have lost weight. I think from another post, my sister and I can't really see it b/c we are with me all of the time. But, looking at pictures I can see the change. Having to pull up my pants all of the time, I can notice the change.

LOOK AT ME NOW!!

Okay, When looking back at me in the old post and then the picture that I took about 20 minutes ago and then typed about not seeing myself losing weight......LOOK at my face!!! Yes, my hair isn't the prettiest in either picture but my face looks skinnier, right??? I just wanted to see it next to each other.

How much longer?

CeCe gave us a much needed pick me up chat on Weds. night. She reminded us that we have about 5 and half more weeks left. That there have been people who have quit and there is no reason to not keep going to the end. She said that we may have to look back at our goal weights and see what we can really do in that amount of time. She said that she has seen a change in our waist lines and in our clothes. CeCe said that we need to keep watching our eating and we should be keeping up with working out on the nights that we don't already work out with her. CeCe today told us that if us women have 3 or 5 pound weights, that we need to get 5 or 8 pound weights. It just so happens that Mom and Jenny got me a pair of 3 pound and also a 5 pound weights for Christmas. So now I am using 5 pound weights.

The Shrinking Woman!

Well, since I see myself everyday I at most times don't see the changes of my body. My sister Meagan came over this weekend for a little getaway and while at lunch she said, "You have lost weight. I can see it." I said really? I was wearing one of my new dresses the other day to work and three different people had told me that they could see that I have lost weight. You would think that I would notice it since my clothes are having trouble fitting. My shirts are looking better on me with a smaller muffin top and stomach. I have had to wear a belt with my pants and capris. One of my favorite pairs of capris, these business like ones didn't have belt loops. I had to give the pair to my mom to try on b/c they would have just fallen off when I walked around. Also, I had gotten these two nice pairs of workout pants. They are the nice feeling ones that stick to you. I got them in XLarge b/c it was the first time I could have fit into them. I was working out the other day and then on Saturday I was doing jumping jacks and they felt like they were falling. They felt like it b/c they did move down! There also have been two dresses that I have gotten when they didn't fit but I thought that "One day when I lose weight they will fit." We all have pants and really different clothes like that. Well, one dress I really want to wear to my Awards day at school. I couldn't even push it over my chest and then when I did my hips and my muffin top would just hang over. It wasn't pretty to put it. It is pictured a couple of blog stories ago, I couldn't even try it on the last time and so I took a picture of me just hanging it over me. Then there is another dress. It's sassy and I so thought that it would be a dress to wear on my 30th birthday. Let alone that it's no sleeved and short and my birthday was in January. It didn't fit for my birthday, but dang does it FIT NOW!!! I tried it on and then made my sister Meagan take a picture of me in it. Now I am going to have to find a time to wear it.

Here's my Awards Day Dress!!!

I look so great in it, here it is again!!!

Here is my other dress that I was talking about!!

I am Silent

And so when you write/talk to someone, that also is a prayer to God. He knows what you need even when your thoughts can't put anything into words. What's been on my mind and what I have to friends is, "I am going to be quiet, not talk unless spoken to." My mind has also been thinking of my last post. What do I want to take the time to ask God. What is this season of Lent going to mean to me? Matthew Browne started his preaching today by again defining what Lent was. Lent is "What is God asking me to die to?" So, what is he? What do I want to take the time to ask God. What if I would give up control and just listened to what he wants to say to me? Easy huh? But, on my way to church I couldn't get my mind to stop. I couldn't stop listing the things that bothered me, things to do, things I've done in the past couple of days. So, yesterday we had an Outside Challenge for Biggest Loser. We met at a park and weighed in, and then we did TWO miles while holding weights and stopping in between to do lunges, jumping jacks, and other things. I wasn't the last but I was jogging at a good pace and I felt healthy. Let me say that again. I felt healthy. It was really good to get out into the world and feel the breeze. After that I was able to meet with one of my dearest and best friends, Becky and her family, and my other wonderful friend Heidi and her family. I have said this to her, that it was going to be hard to see her. I haven't seen her in two and 1/2 years. We e-mail and call each other often, so we know what's going on in each others lives. I told her last night that we are just friends that can go not seeing each other for what seems forever and then hug and just start talking like we had seen each other every day before that. Instead of being states away, it feels like she is still down the road. I hadn't even met her youngest daughter. So we met at a nearby park and when I saw her walking it was like I had seen her yesterday. The kids played at the park and we talked for a long time. Then we went to Starbucks and chatted for about another hour. Heidi, Becky, and I were able to chat about our old job, DFCS and remember the times that well, were crazy. Since our friend Heidi works at another county, we are able to learn how some kids have been. One came up that I had taken out of the hospital. Some families that you work with will stay with you for life. This one family was one of them. A mom had five kids. I always had to go to truancy court and she also lived with her parents so she could come and go do meth and then the kids would be watched by the grandparents. Each month the mom would wear this jacket and her belly would look bigger each month. One month she went under oath and stated that she wasn't pregnant. She also was ordered to take a pregnancy test and it turned out to be negative. ( I to this day think that she took in her daughters urine). So a couple of weeks later I was on call. Some people on call never got paged. I ALWAYS got paged when I was on call. I was paged around two AM to come to the Pickens hospital. Someone had a baby and it was addicted to drugs. I instantly knew that it was that mom. I remember talking to her on the phone and then walking into this dark room and seeing this woman laying in the bed. She had wanted to start labor and so she did meth. Smart, huh? I remember her just looking at me, like with a I have been caught look. She knew that she couldn't take the baby home and told me that she would sign over the rights. The ending of this story is that my friend sees this little boy. His name is Jackson and he is in such a loving family. It shows that it doesn't matter how/what circumstances you are born to, God is with you and always is taking care of you. Thinking of that family ALWAYS consides with another time I was at the hospital and on call. I was on call once again. A baby was born and was taken away from the mother. I remember I had to go to the hospital one weekend because the baby was to be discharged. The foster father had met me there to bring this tiny person home. I remember the dad knew as much as I did about newborns. Because this new life was the states custody, someone from the office had to sign the discharge papers and I had to walk out with the newborn and then give the baby to this new dad. So, my name is on some baby girls' paperwork of helping it go to a better home. I know that your wondering about this this little girl. Even though it was over 8 years ago, as my memory serves me, the mom started to get clean and was able to have visitation. Back to last night. Once we left Starbucks, I took my friend Becky back to her hotel. We sat outside with the windows down and talked for about an hour more. She had all of this wonderful knowledge for me and began to use the things I had been praying to God about to build me back up. Becky is my friend and has seen me at my greatest and has also been with me to pick me up blubbering in corner. So, she's the friend that also will call you out on your Bullsh*t. She doesn't take no from me and wants an explanation and not an excuse. Well, without her knowing, she began to ask me about what more than likely God has been trying to pull out of me. I was telling her about the crazyness of work once again, and she said, "What does the WORD say?" My mind went blank. In my mind I wanted to say, I don't know. I've been talking to God but have also been crying and just telling others about my crazy season. She then begins to spit out all of these wonderful scriptures that I so should be clinging to but my mind goes blank and I realize what I need to do. It's going back to not talking/being quiet like I think God has been whispering to me. It goes with the last post of waiting to hear what God wants me to ask Him. He used my friend to show me that my thoughts are what is to be quieted. Why should I be quiet to others when I really need that fellowship. Why would being quiet matter when my mind is racing with things like: - What I need to clean at home. - My schedule fo the next week. - How I was rude to someone. - How someone was rude to me. All of this going at the same time and I just can't be in the moment. Even when writing this in my journal I was thinking of - writing a scripture down in a card for two work friends. - the two loads of laundry that I need to put away. - the headache that I will have b/c I drank a raspberry mocha while all listening to two different conversation at the coffee shop that I am in. I can't even sit here and just be, b.c all of these things that are going on in my mind. No wonder I have tingles, breathing problems with panic attacks. All I am doing is sitting in a coffee shop and I can't just spend time journaling/being with God. And so to end this post, I would like to thank those who do in fact read this blog and to pray. Lord, Help me to just relax and give to you my thoughts and feelings. You know exactly what is has gone on, what is going on, and the my future. Help me to just sit with you and be. Help me to listen to what you you want to tell me. Help me to run to you with my daily needs and not to others first. I love you and am so thankful for all that you have done in my life. Amen.

This Again?

Tomorrow is yet another weigh in. This has been a really trying week. Didn't I write that the last post on my blog? I have worked out every day this week. I wasn't able to go to my Biggest Loser time Monday b/c of the car and Weds I was just emotionally spent and so I went to the gym instead. So, this is what I have realized. I am changing. Before I would just go to McDonalds and then feel bad for eating whatever I had. I would tell myself that the next day I would try again or begin my weight loss. But, even with my really hard time at work today, I went to the gym. I had a headache from the coffee I had drank and I was this close to crying if someone said something to me. I did the early RPM class. There wasn't that many people in the class. I was in the back of course and Kendra, the instructor remembered my name. I told her instantly that I had had a really bad day and that instead of going home and eating, I had come to class to let go of some frustration. Going through the class was rough at times. Since I hadn't done the class in a week, sitting on the seat made me sore once again. I also had the headache and just didn't feel right. I was listening to the music and pedaling the bike, when Kendra called out, "Christine, follow me." So, I peddled even faster to match her. She was later telling us to go faster and she called out, "Christine, you can do it." I instantly got tears in my eyes b/c someone saw that I was trying. That I was in fact moving. I made it through the whole class and felt so good afterwards. I still had the headache and was feeling a little anxious, but I was a better person b/c I in fact did show up and did my best. This morning was my first Prayer Group at school. A friend had invited me and some others to come in really early once a week to pray for the kids and the things that are going on around us. Well, it was way late and I was the only one there this morning. I had brought up my journal, bible, and book that I happened to be reading at the moment. I think that I got more out of it when I was alone this morning with God than if someone had shown up. The book that I have just finished was called Waiting With God. Or at least Waiting was the first word in the title. So, the quiet time was wonderful. I just tonight finished the book and the last chapter was the best. It said to take time to be with God. That in more words than the last sentence. It said to think for how long, where, what specifically you want to know from God, and to list the obstacles that you might have while having your quiet time. And so, how long? As long as it takes. When? Mornings at work before the children come in. If I was at home, I wouldn't do it. Also, Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons b/c I have those days off from after school. Obstacles? Giving myself the time and allowing myself to have the time. Taking away the lists of things that I will tell myself that I have to get done instead of journaling/reading/just being silent. What specifically do I want to know from God? Well, that is going to take some thinking time.

What Else Lord?

I wanted to say this one thing primarily for a remembrance down the line when I look back at this season/days and see how much God was right next to me the whole time. My car broke down again. I didn't cry or have a fit, I just called Mom to come and help me. Things at work are not any better and I had to put on my big girl panties yesterday and tell my neighbor that I can't help her anymore. That brought on a realization that I had been being used and for one of the only times in my life I stood up for myself and no longer took it. My thirties are about me coming out of my shell. Back to the car. I dropped it off and was unable to go to my Biggest Loser Monday night workout. I called a friend and let her know that I couldn't make it. Well, at other times I would have cried, had a panic attack, and then went to McDonald's and eaten a Big Mac, fries, and of course a shake or some kind of dessert to wash it all down. Instead, I went to the gym with Jenny and we took a Body Sculpting class. It's Pilates and Yoga in one. I didn't want to take ever b/c I don't like Yoga, but thought that since my day couldn't get any worse, I would try it. Well, I loved it. And will go back. Update even from beginning to type this out this morning, is that I found out that my car is just fine!! They didn't correctly put some wires back so they fixed it and I am not charged anything! By not having a panic attack, eating horribly, and praying while not telling everyone who I came to about my woes, I was able to look back on the time and really Thank God and feel good about myself.

Patience

Cece has been saying that you must work on your insides (emotions) while also doing everything physical you can to lose weight. I am beginning to have quiet time with the Lord in the morning before I leave for work and quiet time before going to bed. I am journaling more and reading Devotionals and books that help me to get to know myself better. So, here are some excerpts from my journal. Patient: Refocus on what's really important. My relationship with God. Take time to stop all my busy activities and sit down. Look to Jesus, Center on Him. Pray! Peace: Christine, your peace has nothing to do with daily issues. Christine is has to do with knowing that God is in control, nothing is a mistake. Galatians 6:9 Christine, DON"T become weary in doing good, for at the proper time YOU CHRISTINE will reap a harvest if you don't give up.

Emotionality: Yes, I made up the Word.

Okay, this week as been a little too much! I don't know even how to begin. Maybe by telling you that we did an Outside Challenge at the Biggest Loser today. We did games from our past. We quickly warmed up and then we did a three legged race, Simon Says, and we also had to keep a ball in a parachute from coming off of it. There was some down time and so I got to talk to my team mates about just regular things. I found that once you start talking about what your going through, the not good days and not just saying, "I'm doing good,"you can see that your not the only one going through tough times. Tough times is what I can call it. A season of trials is another way to look at my life right now. Well, the Challenge was over and I was excited that I had been in the top 5 during Simon Says, doing jumping jacks, mountain climbers, and other things for a long stretch. On the way in, my captain Tim, asked me, "Are you okay?" I said yes, even though I wanted to say, I am better after working out today." He patted me on the back and said, "I was worried about you." That is so what I needed to hear. Not that I need any worrying, but I needed to know that I have been noticed, that I had been seen. I had to take a Mental Health this past week. I was at the point of hating, yes, tired and not liking writing down anything more that I ate and working out. I was tired of doing all of this and not seeing huge results. I have been hearing that I look different, skinnier and healthier, but since I gained last week 2 pounds and I have been trying to get below 200 for what seems forever I have sabotaged myself in my thinking. And so, I am not going to weigh myself this week and I am going to take it slow. I am going to work out as much as I can and before I eat, I am going to really think about what I am putting into my mouth. On the other side of my Mental Health week, I am tired of my job this year. Without going into the little things that make it big, I am tired and stressed at this time with my job. I do love my kids and I think that b/c of the kids and my close knit of coworkers, I am staying sane. Usually at this time of year I go from doing 4-5 days of after school to doing 3. So, in the coming weeks I am going to be doing three days a week which will allow me to work out after school more and to just go to Starbuck's and sit and read/journal/pray. I am wondering if I have talked about my Love language yet on my blog. Last night when I was at Zumba with Jenny, a girl came in with her water bottle and her book. I am finding in my 30's I am no longer shy and so I asked the girl if she liked the book. She had said that her boyfriend and her had been reading it together. Well, for a little while I have been constantly reminded of what my love language is and also what love language I like to use for other people. If you know me, my love language for others is Gifts. I am just like my mother in the way that a card, candy, but really something needed/liked is given to someone else. My love language that I love to receive is physical touch. This year the Lord has answered my prayer through the children in my class. Special educational students in ways of Autism and SDD have given me to writing this in my journal: Are you Experiencing the kind "touch" of Jesus? Ask for it. Lord, my love language is physical touch. How nice it is when one of my kids shouts my name, takes my hand, takes my hand, or gives me a hug. And so I need that tug on my shoulder or really a hug to feel that I am loved/cared for. Then during our Ash Weds service I was hugged my a friend at church. It was unexpected but really liked. It was a real hug not one of those side pats on your back. Then when my captain Tim patted me on the back and asked me how I was doing, it showed yet again that God is taking care of me and is answering my prayers.

Measurements!!!!

First Measurements: January 8, 2011
Bust: 45
Waist: 40.5
Abdomen: 46
Hips: 47.5
Thighs: 25.5
Arms: 14.5
Weight: 217.4
Body Fat %: 40.9
BMI: 35.1

Third Measurements: March 5, 2011
Bust: 42.5
Waist: 37.5
Abdomen: 44
Hips: 44
Thighs: 24
Arms: 14
Weight: 205.0
Body Fat %: 38.8
BMI: 33.1

That Means:

I have lost 12.4 pounds and 13 INCHES to date!!! I am also 2.1 down on Body Fat % and down 2 points on my BMI!!!!

I know I can, I know I can.

Welcome to this week's posting. I had a weigh-in on Saturday and also was able to have Measurements done again for the third time. I gained two pounds this week. I probably would be or should have been really disappointed before now about gaining. I so would have just gotten bakery items from Publix and have eatin' them in my car. I know what I need to work on this week. I even talked to my sister Jenny and she said that as much as I have been working out, two mishaps or eating at Moe's and having my first hamburger in 7 weeks would not have made me gain that weight. I am so happy to have my sister helping me with this weight loss. She knows exactly what to say, even if it's a wonderful compliment or telling me that I need to correct my eating.

I also had on my size 16 jeans and large sweater today. I got a new pair of tennis shoes at Kohl's. They were on sale and they fit so well!! I am going to use my old ones for the Warrior Dash in April. My clothes and shoes were ruined last time, so I will be ready to say goodbye to my old shoes.

Weekly Schedule

Monday: 6:30-7:30 Biggest Loser Workout. Usually run a mile and then to core/ab workout.

Tuesday: 6:30 Gold's Gym Body Attack

Weds: 6:30-8:00 Biggest Loser Workout. Usually run a mile and then come in to work out. Also, talk about Nutrition or upcoming events.

Thursday: RPM Gold's Gym: Spin class for 45 minutes!!!

Friday: Gold Gym's Zumba: 7:00

Saturday: 8:30-10:00 Biggest Loser Weekly Weigh-In, Monthly Measuring, Bi-Weekly Challenges and/or Workout

Sunday: Off Day!

Below 200!

Oh, how I don't know the last time I was below 200. I think my license even says 200. It used to say 154, my goal weight that has been since I don't know when. How is it that you can look back at pictures from the past and think that you weren't big at all then, when at the time you thought that you were the biggest that you have ever been? I think that's what it's like in past relationships, you only see the sweetness instead of the misery. And so it's Weds and I'm nervous about this weeks weigh in. I want to say that I haven't weighed myself, but that would be a lie. I've been good with my water intake and have been going to the gym. But, I think I am sabotaging myself by thinking that I am going to gain.

I think I can....I think I can

So, this is what happened. I am 4 pounds away from my next goal of finally being under 20!!! Last weigh in was 203.2, So I do have a good 4 pounds and I can finally wave goodbye to the 200s. Well, CeCe, our trainer has been telling us to really focus on our weaknesses. To really make the time to do the inside work and to figure out what we can do to help with our overall weight loss. The two things that I instantly thought of was Drinking More Water and Exercising on the days that I don't work out with CeCe. This past week was February break for me and so my friend Kacee and I decided to meet at the gym at least once a day to try out one of the classes. I tried, step, Zumba, and Shabaam. I think that I was able to lose 2 pounds at the end of a break from school b/c I kept on working out so much. So, to combat my drinking of more water, (really Crystal Lite), I decided to carry with me a gallon of the liquid. CeCe had said a couple of times to bring a gallon of water, what's left of it, to class some nights. It is now Tuesday, the second day of drinking as much water as I can with the help of my wonderful friends at work. I've slowly gotten to the bottom for the last two days. On another note of working on weaknesses, Ash Weds. and Lent are coming up. My church is having its first Ash Weds service next week. I've never given up anything for Lent and it's really been on my heart. So, what do I give up? i know that it should be something that would mean something if given up. I don't eat chocolate often enough. I haven't been to Starbucks enough to miss not having a drink. Sp the thing that I instantly thought of was not using facebook. I go straight to Facebook and really to Farmville. So, that's what I am thinking/praying that I will be giving up for Lent.