I am Silent

And so when you write/talk to someone, that also is a prayer to God. He knows what you need even when your thoughts can't put anything into words. What's been on my mind and what I have to friends is, "I am going to be quiet, not talk unless spoken to." My mind has also been thinking of my last post. What do I want to take the time to ask God. What is this season of Lent going to mean to me? Matthew Browne started his preaching today by again defining what Lent was. Lent is "What is God asking me to die to?" So, what is he? What do I want to take the time to ask God. What if I would give up control and just listened to what he wants to say to me? Easy huh? But, on my way to church I couldn't get my mind to stop. I couldn't stop listing the things that bothered me, things to do, things I've done in the past couple of days. So, yesterday we had an Outside Challenge for Biggest Loser. We met at a park and weighed in, and then we did TWO miles while holding weights and stopping in between to do lunges, jumping jacks, and other things. I wasn't the last but I was jogging at a good pace and I felt healthy. Let me say that again. I felt healthy. It was really good to get out into the world and feel the breeze. After that I was able to meet with one of my dearest and best friends, Becky and her family, and my other wonderful friend Heidi and her family. I have said this to her, that it was going to be hard to see her. I haven't seen her in two and 1/2 years. We e-mail and call each other often, so we know what's going on in each others lives. I told her last night that we are just friends that can go not seeing each other for what seems forever and then hug and just start talking like we had seen each other every day before that. Instead of being states away, it feels like she is still down the road. I hadn't even met her youngest daughter. So we met at a nearby park and when I saw her walking it was like I had seen her yesterday. The kids played at the park and we talked for a long time. Then we went to Starbucks and chatted for about another hour. Heidi, Becky, and I were able to chat about our old job, DFCS and remember the times that well, were crazy. Since our friend Heidi works at another county, we are able to learn how some kids have been. One came up that I had taken out of the hospital. Some families that you work with will stay with you for life. This one family was one of them. A mom had five kids. I always had to go to truancy court and she also lived with her parents so she could come and go do meth and then the kids would be watched by the grandparents. Each month the mom would wear this jacket and her belly would look bigger each month. One month she went under oath and stated that she wasn't pregnant. She also was ordered to take a pregnancy test and it turned out to be negative. ( I to this day think that she took in her daughters urine). So a couple of weeks later I was on call. Some people on call never got paged. I ALWAYS got paged when I was on call. I was paged around two AM to come to the Pickens hospital. Someone had a baby and it was addicted to drugs. I instantly knew that it was that mom. I remember talking to her on the phone and then walking into this dark room and seeing this woman laying in the bed. She had wanted to start labor and so she did meth. Smart, huh? I remember her just looking at me, like with a I have been caught look. She knew that she couldn't take the baby home and told me that she would sign over the rights. The ending of this story is that my friend sees this little boy. His name is Jackson and he is in such a loving family. It shows that it doesn't matter how/what circumstances you are born to, God is with you and always is taking care of you. Thinking of that family ALWAYS consides with another time I was at the hospital and on call. I was on call once again. A baby was born and was taken away from the mother. I remember I had to go to the hospital one weekend because the baby was to be discharged. The foster father had met me there to bring this tiny person home. I remember the dad knew as much as I did about newborns. Because this new life was the states custody, someone from the office had to sign the discharge papers and I had to walk out with the newborn and then give the baby to this new dad. So, my name is on some baby girls' paperwork of helping it go to a better home. I know that your wondering about this this little girl. Even though it was over 8 years ago, as my memory serves me, the mom started to get clean and was able to have visitation. Back to last night. Once we left Starbucks, I took my friend Becky back to her hotel. We sat outside with the windows down and talked for about an hour more. She had all of this wonderful knowledge for me and began to use the things I had been praying to God about to build me back up. Becky is my friend and has seen me at my greatest and has also been with me to pick me up blubbering in corner. So, she's the friend that also will call you out on your Bullsh*t. She doesn't take no from me and wants an explanation and not an excuse. Well, without her knowing, she began to ask me about what more than likely God has been trying to pull out of me. I was telling her about the crazyness of work once again, and she said, "What does the WORD say?" My mind went blank. In my mind I wanted to say, I don't know. I've been talking to God but have also been crying and just telling others about my crazy season. She then begins to spit out all of these wonderful scriptures that I so should be clinging to but my mind goes blank and I realize what I need to do. It's going back to not talking/being quiet like I think God has been whispering to me. It goes with the last post of waiting to hear what God wants me to ask Him. He used my friend to show me that my thoughts are what is to be quieted. Why should I be quiet to others when I really need that fellowship. Why would being quiet matter when my mind is racing with things like: - What I need to clean at home. - My schedule fo the next week. - How I was rude to someone. - How someone was rude to me. All of this going at the same time and I just can't be in the moment. Even when writing this in my journal I was thinking of - writing a scripture down in a card for two work friends. - the two loads of laundry that I need to put away. - the headache that I will have b/c I drank a raspberry mocha while all listening to two different conversation at the coffee shop that I am in. I can't even sit here and just be, b.c all of these things that are going on in my mind. No wonder I have tingles, breathing problems with panic attacks. All I am doing is sitting in a coffee shop and I can't just spend time journaling/being with God. And so to end this post, I would like to thank those who do in fact read this blog and to pray. Lord, Help me to just relax and give to you my thoughts and feelings. You know exactly what is has gone on, what is going on, and the my future. Help me to just sit with you and be. Help me to listen to what you you want to tell me. Help me to run to you with my daily needs and not to others first. I love you and am so thankful for all that you have done in my life. Amen.