What day is it?

I don't know what I am feeling/thinking. Things have been going so well with no anxiety/panic attacks. Even today, one of those times where I would have given in/had a pity party/talked to a million people about it/wondered what people thought of my reactions. Meds are going good. Been on a low dose for quiet a while. Listening to my IPOD at night, (Don't ask Jenny about it b/c she says that she can't stand the woman's voice). I am not even listening to what she is saying, I know it by heart, it's just her soothing voice and the background music. Anyway, even while driving home today I could feel that anticipation of one coming on. But, why does one have to come on?? Why do I have them or stopped having them? Things are going good. Really good with work. Even with the car breaking down, me wishing for a date, things aren't bad at all. I am grateful. So, why don't I feel it?

Monday's Bubble

Sometimes I feel like I am in a Special Ed bubble. And then like today are times when I feel like I am doing more than just making copies or helping out or whatever people think when they hear that I am a para-pro. This year I am working with one that does a lot of centers. Centers works well b/c students can learn at there own rate. (Home school and Montessori schools eat your heart out.) Well, we have just started this past week and being Monday, we had a group and then switched after 20 minutes. My teacher is doing the main Reading/Language Arts and I am just adding to help. I am doing Saxon, which if you don't know, you have papers and you have a script to say for each day of learning. This was the first day doing it and I was nervous even though none of the kids knew what to expect and would even know if I screwed it up. I asked about consonants/vowels and some other things. What will be great is that each day is review and building something new as in a letter or more sequencing. It will be great in a couple of weeks to just see how much they have learned. After Labor Day, we are going to have Math Centers three times a week so I and the teacher can help the kids that are lower and delve into more things for the higher.
In after school, I have help on Mondays and Weds. Oh, how grateful I am for my friend Karen from the lunchroom that comes in and takes some of the kids outside so I can stay in with the ones that have a better time while inside. Karen has a special needs daughter in eighth grade, so she comes in also. She likes to help with the kids and has fun playing with them. While waiting to go to the gym, I put on a Disney show that was the kids favorites. It was the sweetest thing to see them laughing and goofing off with each other. I am not saying, oh they are special ed, of course they can't have fun or play. No, what I am saying is that with all of their differences, I saw how laughter and a common love (Disney) brought them together to have fun.
It also makes me think of Community. How wonderful I have it at my church. We have a website that's like Face book only in the fact that you have profiles and you can message everyone in the church, or just one on one. Well, I have been having car problems, which I wrote about yesterday. I posted for some help on a place to take my car. I put on there about being seen as a Single Woman and how I needed a place that wouldn't screw me over. I didn't put all of that, but put it in a way for help. Instantly while I was at my computer, four people messaged me and gave about the same place to go to!! So, when I get paid this week, I will be heading to a place in Roswell for some help with my car. Well, when I was walking to the front of church, the outside greeter asked me about my car. I talked about the oil leak and he said that his always has one. It was nice b/c I felt like part of the community. I have gone to churches and have times at my jobs where I wasn't seen. That I felt like no one knew my name, let alone things about me. So, who is in your community? Your family? Your friends that you can pray for and with? I saw early this morning that one of my friends from school needed some prayer. His mother was to have unexpected surgery today. We have sat together and had a prayer group in the mornings, so why would I not pray for him even if our schedules have changed this year? So, my other prayer partner and I have decided to get a gift card and Prayer card for him. Now I am not saying this to gloat, I am just saying that if something would happen to my mother, I would hope that some of my close friends and not so close friends would help me in my time of need. So, again who is in your community? People you see everyday and even people that you haven't seen in forever but live in your heart?

Saturday

Being a teacher is nice! Teacher Appreciation days. Especially when you can get into the Coke Museum and the Aquarium for free!! We went to Coke first b/c we thought that there wasn't that much to do. How God can use anything/anyone to bring Himself to you. Oh, how I pray that I would see him in my day, but how wonderful that He brings Him when I don't even ask. At Coke we had to wait through a man talking. Then we watched a six minute cartoon movie. It was really cute, but that's it. That's when God outwardly gave me six minutes of Himself. The characters just kept on saying a reoccurring theme. The theme of: Having a good day. Not letting heartbreak, bills, not fitting into pants change your attitude of your day. Lat down the things that God can only take care of. That's the way I want to live my life. Not forgetting or not doing something about my weight gain or bills. But, in the regular day, not allowing what I have no control over to change my attitude. Oh, how I wish that I would have had this mindset year ago.

It's Friday

What a week. I don't even know what happened to describe it!

My car is broken again. I am waiting for my next paycheck to have it looked at.

Grateful to my sister Jenny for carpooling and letting me use her car.

Lunchtime: Quiet God time every day and I am thankful for it.

Getting some help for days in ASP when I have 6 special ed. kids

Not worrying/thinking/or second guessing about what people think of me.

Not worrying about money b/c I work 11 hours a day and I have not been buying junk or going to fast food restaurants.

I don't go through my day worrying about money/bills b/c I have given it over to God and I have no control over it. I have control over working and doing what I can.

Memorization

Word of God doesn't lie dormant once internalized:


Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary, burdened, and I will give you rest.


Romans 8:37
In all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us.


Galatians 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we don't give up.

Isaiah 30:15

In quietness and confidence is your strength.

Affirmations of Peace of Mind

I keep thoughts on peace.

I am calm and composed.

I meditation on Scripture.

I let stress melt away.

I rely on God's strength.

I take time to be still.

My mind is tranquil and serence.

I joyfullly trust God. I choose peace.

I am free of negativity.

I expereicene comfort.

God is with me always.

Affirmations for Unshakeable Faith

I love God and trust Him completely!!

I am bold!

I schedule time daily to be with God.

I am transformed by the renewing of my mind.

I let go and let God.

I think about what is lovely, gracious, and excellent.

I am a well-adjusted balanced, and extremely capable human being.

Pride

I am proud of myself. I haven't had a panic attack or any feelings like that in I don't know how when. The other day was hard at work. I was surprised that I didn't cry, heavy breathe, or have to excuse myself to have my breakdown not in front of anyone else. I slept fine that night and in the morning I came in ready for the day without any worry. I was really afraid/wondering if my one child was going to remember the day before. My friend/coworker said the best thing. She said that some children don't hold grudges. Yesterday was yesterday and today is today. How wonderful b/c that is how I am too!! You can't hold grudges or act like they should be punished every other day for their actions. Even today, I am being honest here, I did get teary-eyed, tried to stop and then stepped out of the room. I went into the bathroom and breathed in and out for some time. The years stopped and my hear beat wasn't any faster.
Another wonderful thing happened. Tonight we have curriculum night. I never come back when the parents come in the evening to hear about the whole year. But, before leaving, I wanted to clean the desks and straighten up around the 2 rooms. I told this to my one teacher and she said, NO, Today is your mental health Thursday and I will be straightening up. How wonderful to take the pressure off of me and to take affect that today is the day that I leave at 2:30 instead of staying until 6. I have been reading The 4:8 Principle and it's been focusing on your own mind and thought process. Before I wouldn't have thought this to be true, but now I know that it is from experience.

You can control your thoughts, you can strengthen your emotional life.

As for me and my house, we will serve you!!

We are having a mission fair at church this Sunday and the net. Matthew, our pastor spoke spoke about the church as a whole and where we would be going in the next year. He spoke about relying on another, b/c we ourselves have no strength. That being Jesus, and dying on the cross. I attend a church that believes in Gospel Transformation. Jesus change from the inside out. And O! this past year I have had some heart changes. I did Dave Ramsey's Financial seminar and learned quiet a lot. So much that I am still putting what I learned into daily practices.


Matthew went around calling people's names out and detailing how God had used/ changed the this year. A loud LiAnna and Christine was belted out first. He spoke about how we have supported poor children. Man, after a year of feeling like I had not been seen, it was like God had used fireworks to show me that I was indeed seen and loved.


Matthew also spoke about oversea missions and they showed interviews and clips of people that went to Hungary and Eleuthra this past summer. I saw my friend Wendy living life and hugging /loving on people that that a week before she had never known. One interviewer had said, "You sign up for these trips not knowing where you will get the money, you just know that God is pulling at your heart to go."


I have been praying, asking the Lord to show me in some way if he wants me to go to Brazil. After hearing the testimonies and talking to Mike, our Missions Pastor, I am going to Brazil on my Spring Break!! When I asked Mike about the dates, he said, " We made it for the time of Spring Break for you." I believe that he meant for "you" as in teachers and students could go, but right then God was slowing me, "I want you to go. You don't know how you will come up with $2500 while you are SO sunken in debt, but give it over to me and I will take care of it. " Mike said that we would be leaving Thurs or Friday and then come back on Sunday. That means that I would have to only take off the Friday before which should work out fine.
Oh, how I can't wait to see Bruno and Camilla and to just spend time with them again. Yes, with only 2 weeks into the school year, the end of March seems so far away. Feb. break and the half marathon/5K seems so far away also. But, God knows what He is going and I am laying my head down at night without worries b/c of how much He loves me.

From a book I just finished:

Psalm 139:13,14

You made my whole being, you formed me in my mother's body. I praise you b/c you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.

How you view yourself is going to determine how other people view you.

Life = 10 % What happens, 90 % how you deal with it.

There is nothing more attractive to a guy than a girl who feels comfortable in her own skin.

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or find it not.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Jeremiah 1:5

Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you Christine. Before you were born, I set you apart.

You have two father and there isn't a guy you will meet who can be either of them.

Gloria Gaither:

God walks with us...He scoops us up in His arms or simply sits with us in silent straight until we can't avoid that awesome recognition that Yes, even now, He is here.

George Mueller:

The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.

Winning Bag!

I couldn't wait until the end of the day to come to the Library and pick up my winning bag. It's bigger and heavier than I thought that it would be. New books, chocolate, snacks, there is just a whole list of everything that I get to have!!

Here's a picture of all of my stuff!!!

Below is a picture of all of the books that I got!!!!

We wouldn't trust anyone else........

I was in church today and I had so many different thoughts, so I wrote them all down. Here it goes............

I think that the two people that I work with aren't used to having help. I think that last year I was two people. I had such a hard time when I found out that I would be working with two new people. God knew. God knows. God answered my prayers and took away my anxiety. I am still with Special Ed. students and figuring out how they tick and ways to hep them not to get out of control. But, now I have another para-pro that helps them where I can get my work done and not rush to the kids.

Prayer: I have been taking two more minutes in bed to pray about the day. To ask God for me to see Him during the day. I have also been tired this week. I haven't gotten my hours of needed rest. I can't stay up late b/c I get up so early in the morning.

I have given my bills over to the Lord again this month. I have paid in full the big ones. The rest, (my credit cards) I am going to pay what I can. I have to lay down the fact that I am working. That I am doing the best that I can my paying my bills. I have bought groceries and haven't stopped for fast food.

Brazil

So, this coming two Sundays we are having a Ministry Fair at my church. You can sign up to help in a lot of ways, do Lowe Lane things, and they posted the two Missionary Trips that are going on. We are going to Brazil during our Spring Break and then going to Hungary at the end of June. I really want to go to Brazil, but only want to go if God wants me to. Please say a prayer that I will know whether or not God wants to me go and if it will badly conflict with my job. It says that we would leave the Friday before we get out, but get back on that Sunday.

Thank you for your prayers!!

Ms. Kramer

Here's what's one of my nuggets drew when asked to draw his teacher. It's me, can you tell by the glasses?

The website

Here is the website that I talked about a few blogs ago. Isn't it the nicest thing? I miss my kids from last year. Check this out!

http://olgaspivey.com/kramer.html

It will take a little while to begin.

Another Day....

Well, first I have a job!! I still have my job!! We were called up to the Principal's office and were told that one of us was needed to go to another school to be a para-pro. We were told two schools that needed one and then had time to see if anyone was going to volunteer. If not, then the county would look at seniority. Once the principal walked out of the county, one woman stepped up and said that since she lived closer to the new school, that she would make the move. We all thanked her and of course I got teary-eyed when it came to my turn.

So, I have my job and it's been crazy like all week b/c the kindergartners are new. They are brand spankin' new. They don't know to not shout out. They don't even know our names so we just hear, "Teacher, Teacher!". I don't think some of them understand the concept of teacher/authority and being asked to do something would make you do it. But, each day it has gotten a lot better. Lunch time with 43 kids (me being with two classes) can be a little hectic, but today I got them seated, all their things opened, and got to walk around easier today.

I am loving my kids already. I pray every morning for the Lord to be with me and to show me that He is there. Today, in one class we were reading, Did you fill my bucket? book. It's a book that every classroom uses and it's a way for people to be kind and not mean to each other. To get off of the rug, you had to say something about how you would fill some one's bucket, (Share toys, tell someone you love them, give a compliment). The boys came up to me and one nugget told me, "Give them a hug!" and he totally gave me a hug. One girl had already told one and so she came up to me and said for her answer to how to fill some one's bucket, "You love Jesus and God." It was so nice to hear the words Jesus and God from such a little thing.

It's been so TIRING this week! I get to work really early, 6:45 and then don't leave until 5:45 in the evening after school. For the past couple of nights, I have gone home, ate, picked out my next day clothes, got my lunch together, and then went to bed. Last night I went to bed at 8 PM and then only woke up at 2 AM b/c of a thunderstorm. I was still tired when I woke up at 6 in the morning!! My feet have been hurting b/c I have had to wear my ballet flats instead of my favorite go-to's, my flip flops! I am pretty sure that I will lose some weight this year from all of the walking that I do.

Another Day

I am tired. My kids are wearing me out. My After school kids are wonderful. I have from 5-6 Special Ed students each afternoon. It ranges from behavior problems to one that I have to help to the bathroom. They usually leave 5:30, so it's really not that bad.
The blessing from my last blog was that I have morning duty instead of afternoon car duty. I get to school early, 7 AM duty in the cafeteria. I know a lot of the students so I can chat with them, they can eat, and then go begin their days in their classrooms.
I go between sad, (I want to cry) to angry about my job situation. I am at the point that I just want to know whether to not I keep my job. We got an e-mail saying that we are to meet with the principal and a man from the county at 9 AM. I think, I really think that the man is going to say which school needs a para and I think we are going to be asked who wants to volunteer. I think that the principal is just going to have to end up choosing someone to go. I have no idea what it will be based on.....Seniority? Evaluations?
There is a reason that the Lord is testing my patience level. I didn't' think that it could reach any higher and it has.
There is this boy in my one class with white bond hair and just curls. I just thought that he was going to be a terror, but he said, "Yes Ma'am" today after being asked to stop. He so was the best listener today and was looking at me to answer his questions today.
One girl took my hand and kissed it while walking to lunch. At lunch I heard, "Miss KRAY! and then a sweet wave. I have heard Mrs. Kray, Mrs. Krane, but haven't heard Ms. Kramer yet.
At the end of this post I am going to put the best present I ever received. Last years Room Mom was the best and she took time to individually make me and my friend Danielle a video of our kids telling what they loved about us. It's so sweet. Kids can be real. If they don't like you, they don't hide it. But, if they love you, you hear shouts of Ms. Kramer like I did when taking my kids to snack in ASP. You hug the ones that come out of line to say Hello.
Here is the Scripture that I am trying to rest in. To know and believe this to be true. That my Abba knows all about me. That he takes care of me when I am tired and I don't feel like I deserve it. B/c I am tired. Tired physically and mentally. But the Lord knows what's on my mind and in my heart at all times. Even when I am too tired to go to Him about things.

Hebrews 6:10
Christine, God is not unjust, He won't forget your work and the love you have shown Him and you have helped His people and continue to help them!

Oh, how I feel like I am forgettable. That people/God doesn't see what I do, all of the good work that I do throughout the day. But, even if I fee like the Lord is silent, He is really not. That's so easy to write, but I am really feeling it to be true lately.
Here is something else that I wrote in my journal.

Sometimes God may be allowing bad things into your life to prepare you to handle GREATER blessings.
Oh, if that was true for me Lord. I would name off the blessings that I would like to receive (husband, debt gone), but I have tried to live my life the way that I have wanted, which only led to sinful behaviors.
I want a life filled with love. I don't want my life, I want the life that God has planned for me.

Oh, that you would bless me indeed, that you would expand my territory. Lead me away from anything evil.

I can hardly keep my eyes open so at 9 PM, I am going to bed. Wish me luck for tomorrow. I won't need it b/c I know that my Abba will be sitting right beside me.

Strength

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.

Still do not know anything about my job and don't know when we will find out which para pro will be asked to go to another school. God has SO surrounded me the last couple of days. This morning while in the car driving to work, I just prayed for God to surround Himself around me and for me to see/feel Him throughout the day. I so did. I did in ways that a friend had to remind me of something that happened today and look at it as a blessing.

I am not good at waiting. I am not good at being patience. The Lord knows this. He SO knows this. I was talking with my wonderful friend Jackie after church yesterday and one thing that I said about not knowing if I had a job at LRE was, am I SO stuck in sin that God needs to use this to show me it? Am I so not giving up control and not just knowing, but believing and acting as though God has my best interest at heart? That when I don't feel him or I have to be patient, that is a chance to be reminded that God is my Abba.

I put my prayer request on my church's website. It's like Facebook without all the bad things that come along with it. A wonderful mother of a family that I love posted the best thing for me!! She had two children who had gone through Little River and I remember her daughter's class like it was yesterday. She posted that LRE wouldn't be the same without me and that she thinks of me when she remembers the school.

I am so tired after a very long day. I am not going to type that much more, but I wanted to post something about today. One blessing is that the para pros were told that they would be working an extra half an hour without any more pay. We were given afternoon duty, which is usually when I begin ASP. But, the asst. principal asked if anyone would like to switch to a morning duty and after no one said anything, I asked or said that I would be willing to come in early. That means that my ASP time would not be changed and I could have more hours in it. It was a blessing b/c I usually don't speak up and that I was able to do it.

My first day of school with 23/22 kids making 45 kids all together was lovely and tiring. I was moving around all day long, and towards the end of the day was able to really take a look at my kids and get to know some of them a little. One of my new friends Melvin, started crying in line b/c " I want to bring my lunch from home! I want my MOOOOMMMMY" He had really big alligator tears and I just wanted to somehow take a lunchbox from out of a hat and give it to me. I coaxed him into the lunchroom and told him that he should tell his Mom that he wanted to bring his lunch.

One of the best parts of the first day is to see my kids from years before. They are taller and are walking around as first and second graders. They give you a hug. They scream your name from across the room.

Well, I am off to bed now. Another day of patience.

Oh Lord, I am asking to feel your presence throughout the day tomorrow. I pray that I will know that you are right beside me, holding my hand and knowing that I so need to hear/see you. I pray that I don't allow my emotions to get the best of me and that the words that come out of my mouth are worthy of you hearing them. I love you Lord and I go to sleep tonight knowing that you are there right with me.
Amen.