Helpfulness

I sadly was rocked the other day. To it simply I was questioned about my helpfulness and instead of just knowing what I know, my bitterness came out and grossness splattered out of my mouth. I at first was happy with myself b/c I had a good come back instead of just being quiet.
What i think I wish that I had was a Scripture Comeback. B/c I know that God calls us to be helpful. To help the needy/less fortunate. To not do it to be recognized, but to do it b/c He loves us so much, he helps us at all times. And so, here are some Scriptures and what they say about Helpfulness.

Luke 6:38
Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

1 John 3:17
If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?

Doing Good to All
Galatians 6:2
Carry each others burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone think he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.

Proverbs 19:17
He who is kind to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will reward him for what he has done.

I want to cry after reading this one. I want to tattoo this on my arm.

Hebrews 6:10
God is not unjust, HE will not forget you work Christine, and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them!!

Oh, how I needed to read/hear that. You Lord know all that's going on and what's really on my mind. I don't really want to talk about this, but only really to show my actions during this time. Yes, I have sought council from like minded individuals. I have asked for prayer. I haven't freaked out and had an onset of panic attacks. I have been praying that I would rest well tonight and now allow any overwhelming to make me crazy. Is this scaring anyone? it's just a situation at work that I HAVE NO control over and have to wait until tomorrow afternoon. I am a terrible waiter. I have no patience. I usually concoct the worse things in my head to head. I am not going to do that this time. I am going to ask for God's grace time and time again. Sometimes minute by minute.

Who are all of you people?

I changed my blog a little bit around and I was shown that in the past 30 days, 76 people have read my blog? Who are you that are reading and keeping up with what I type? What started out as something to keep up with my Biggest Loser time has sprung into me journaling. I hope you guys are enjoying yourselves.

Christine

A Picture is Worth a Million Words

It is time to change my profile picture. I was looking through mine and came upon this picture. It's from my time in Brazil and it SO FITS what I have been journaling. Look at my face. I am so smiling. My hands are out strung wanting to be with the Lord.

My Time at Caribou Coffee Today:

What comes into our mind when we think about God is the most important thing about us.

A.W. Tozer

What does come to mind when I think about You, Lord? My head is floating around all of the answers and questions the right ones.

Lord,

You are my dad. You take care of me. Even when I am bad and truly when I need it. You know my thoughts even before I have them. You know my gross sloppy sins, the ones that don't want to even think about, let alone tell to you, Lord. All you want is a relationship with me. You delight in me when I converse with you. You want me to come to you about everything in my life.

Thank you Jesus for choosing to reveal Your Abba to me. Please walk with me through my ----- and my ------ - -------.

Amen.

Last Day

Today was the last day at Lowe Lane. The kids had stayed to play Uno an do some crafts. I gave Priscilla a notebook with her name on. She made me a frame and also a note telling me that she would miss me.
I am really hoping that I will be able to continue to do things at Lowe Lane with the kids.
Mom had an iron infusion today. Jenny went with her to sit. She said that she felt bad but once she got home after lunch she was sounding better. I am going into the office tomorrow to help Mom with some thins. I am hoping to lighten her load a little bit.
Soon school will be starting back. I am ready.
In the sermon this past Sunday, the pastor said that "God cares about the process that we are on." I feel that I am in the middle btw. my past and future. I know that sounds like common sense, but I feel like I am waiting for the next thing.
God just wants to be in my life. He wants to be at the center. It's easy now but once work comes back on, working 7-6 I will have to make time to be with Him. Oh, how that sounds bad. It feels bad to write it down. God should be in every move, in every word that I say.

Lord,
Help me to remember that You made me Lord. You formed me in my mothers womb. You know how many hairs I have on my head. Your son died for my sins even before I sinned. You knew that I was going to sin and you forgave and loved me anyway. You give me unconditional love. How can I forget all of that? how can I keep you at bay or just talk to you when needed?
Prayer is what we are talking about in church. We were told about Prayer Cards. Index cards that have names and stats on them. Not full sentences but words and scriptures to remind us how to pray. My thing is, if I don't journal or talk to you Lord daily, then there is a small percent of chance that I will go through these cards. I know that sounds bad. And so I am going to start small.

Lord, I feel like a panic attack is coming on when I pray to you. Why would that be? Help me to talk to you about things that are going on and not just to cry and explode when something triggers or it gets too much. I am doing the best that I can. I don't want to talk to the debt collectors b.c then it makes it real that I am in trouble. Even as I spoke to one an they weren't mean or told me that I was a bad person.
I feel like my money problems are sinking me and i feel it throughout the whole day.
Help me to know that I can come to you without writing it down. That I can just whisper the words out and have a conversation with you. I know that you want to wrap your arms around me but I sure feel like I am a child that shouldn't/hadn't been forgiven. I don't want my days to be doing things just doing things instead of facing them,whatever they may be.
I lift up the Tinkham family. I remember Winn being a little shit and trying to get away with everything, even in fourth and fifth grade. It also shows me that I am older, okay, with the kids I had out of college at school are now in college themselves. How people have been married for years and others are having their second and third child. I am over the thoughts/the lists that I thought/believed that I had to check off before I would meet a man. Get skinny, have a cute hairstyle, manage my money. All of these I could check off in some way, but I know that there's no need. I am prefect in your sight Lord. You have forgiven and do not remember my past sins. And so why for I keep playing them over and over in my head? Help me to forgive myself, truly to and help me to stop replaying events in my head. I lift up my husband, wherever he is. I have had people question why I would pray for him and then others have revealed to me that they pray for their children's husbands.
Wherever he is lord, I lift him up to you. Comfort him and bring him people that he can converse with about you. In due time keeps ringing in my ear and I know that your time is not measured by seconds or days. It's hard Lord. It's really lonely at times. I take in account that you have made this man for me. Being in a relationship that you wouldn't deem worthy or one that any number of abusive ways wouldn't be healthy. I hold on to the fact that you love. You love me unconditionally and I haven't met my husband yet b/c I haven't or don't deserve him. I am sorry that I believed that at one time. Help me to be kind to myself b/c I really don't know how to. I second guess myself all of the time.
I love you Lord. Thank you for making me and giving me the love for other that you have. Help me this year for work. To not get bogged down with the gossip and to not take it personally when one of my coworkers don't want me to do something that I always have done.
AMEN!

Journal

I am slowly finishing a journal and I have a couple of new ones ready to be used. So, I have been journaling and praying to God and so I am going to share in this some things that I have written down. Here it goes.

Today

Today was a hard day. I didn't think it was going to be but it was.

1. I went into school to get some things set up. I wanted to put my things in my desk and to make a list of what I usually do and to see if it needs to be done this year. It took only 20 minutes to put everything back in my desks and to look around and make the list of things. It was also a reality that I will be in different classes. I am excited to be working with new people, they are wonderful. Change is just change and sometimes it's hard/different.

2. The viewing. It wasn't really that much of a viewing since Winn has been cremated. They had two TV's showing pictures of him, and of course I recognized his face from when he was younger. All I could see were guys and girls that were my sisters age, going into and second year college kids. They were huddled around the TV's and they all looked so young. It was sad that at their age they had to lose one of their friends. Winn was 19 so I had him in the after school program like 10 years ago. Jenny and I at that time were also working as lunchroom monitors and I remember the group of kids he was with like yesterday. They were a silly group, okay, they were "little shits". The whole group were mostly boys that tried to push my buttons every afternoon. I was just finishing high school so I didn't have the confidence like I do now to tell the kids what's what. Even with all the silliness, I liked my job. Enough to get a degree in Psychology to help listen to kids and also coming back to the school when DFCS turned out to be too much for me. In another way, it makes me feel old. Many people would say, "You are still young. 30 is young." I was reading a really good book about a friendship that spans 40 years. The woman in the book spoke about in one chapter of there lives when she was in her late 30's, the second wave of weddings. I have friends that have been married for years and are having their 2nd children. And I haven't had a date in years. So, walking about the Funeral Home today I felt old. In some ways bad but then also I feel like the Lord was watching over me and telling me that I am where I need to be. That he is there right beside me.
And so my Mom walked around the Funeral Home and finds Winn's mom. I could hear her laughing and I finally walk over to her. I could hear Mom saying that she wanted to come and said that the other Little River Teachers are thinking of the family. Also, Mom of course was talking about Winn being "a little shit" and always in trouble. The mom laughed and when I came up, his mom gave me a hug. She said, "Winn always gave you trouble." I said yes, but I loved him. Sometimes you don't even know who knows and sees what you do.

And so I am going to turn in and try to go to bed now. It's been a day and tomorrow will be another one. One of my last days at Lowe Lane and oh how I am going to miss it.