I sadly was rocked the other day. To it simply I was questioned about my helpfulness and instead of just knowing what I know, my bitterness came out and grossness splattered out of my mouth. I at first was happy with myself b/c I had a good come back instead of just being quiet.
What i think I wish that I had was a Scripture Comeback. B/c I know that God calls us to be helpful. To help the needy/less fortunate. To not do it to be recognized, but to do it b/c He loves us so much, he helps us at all times. And so, here are some Scriptures and what they say about Helpfulness.
Luke 6:38
Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
1 John 3:17
If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?
Doing Good to All
Galatians 6:2
Carry each others burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone think he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.
Proverbs 19:17
He who is kind to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will reward him for what he has done.
I want to cry after reading this one. I want to tattoo this on my arm.
Hebrews 6:10
God is not unjust, HE will not forget you work Christine, and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them!!
Oh, how I needed to read/hear that. You Lord know all that's going on and what's really on my mind. I don't really want to talk about this, but only really to show my actions during this time. Yes, I have sought council from like minded individuals. I have asked for prayer. I haven't freaked out and had an onset of panic attacks. I have been praying that I would rest well tonight and now allow any overwhelming to make me crazy. Is this scaring anyone? it's just a situation at work that I HAVE NO control over and have to wait until tomorrow afternoon. I am a terrible waiter. I have no patience. I usually concoct the worse things in my head to head. I am not going to do that this time. I am going to ask for God's grace time and time again. Sometimes minute by minute.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Who are all of you people?
I changed my blog a little bit around and I was shown that in the past 30 days, 76 people have read my blog? Who are you that are reading and keeping up with what I type? What started out as something to keep up with my Biggest Loser time has sprung into me journaling. I hope you guys are enjoying yourselves.
Christine
Christine
A Picture is Worth a Million Words
It is time to change my profile picture. I was looking through mine and came upon this picture. It's from my time in Brazil and it SO FITS what I have been journaling. Look at my face. I am so smiling. My hands are out strung wanting to be with the Lord.My Time at Caribou Coffee Today:
What comes into our mind when we think about God is the most important thing about us.
A.W. Tozer
What does come to mind when I think about You, Lord? My head is floating around all of the answers and questions the right ones.
Lord,
You are my dad. You take care of me. Even when I am bad and truly when I need it. You know my thoughts even before I have them. You know my gross sloppy sins, the ones that don't want to even think about, let alone tell to you, Lord. All you want is a relationship with me. You delight in me when I converse with you. You want me to come to you about everything in my life.
Thank you Jesus for choosing to reveal Your Abba to me. Please walk with me through my ----- and my ------ - -------.
Amen.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Last Day
Today was the last day at Lowe Lane. The kids had stayed to play Uno an do some crafts. I gave Priscilla a notebook with her name on. She made me a frame and also a note telling me that she would miss me.
I am really hoping that I will be able to continue to do things at Lowe Lane with the kids.
Mom had an iron infusion today. Jenny went with her to sit. She said that she felt bad but once she got home after lunch she was sounding better. I am going into the office tomorrow to help Mom with some thins. I am hoping to lighten her load a little bit.
Soon school will be starting back. I am ready.
In the sermon this past Sunday, the pastor said that "God cares about the process that we are on." I feel that I am in the middle btw. my past and future. I know that sounds like common sense, but I feel like I am waiting for the next thing.
God just wants to be in my life. He wants to be at the center. It's easy now but once work comes back on, working 7-6 I will have to make time to be with Him. Oh, how that sounds bad. It feels bad to write it down. God should be in every move, in every word that I say.
Lord,
Help me to remember that You made me Lord. You formed me in my mothers womb. You know how many hairs I have on my head. Your son died for my sins even before I sinned. You knew that I was going to sin and you forgave and loved me anyway. You give me unconditional love. How can I forget all of that? how can I keep you at bay or just talk to you when needed?
Prayer is what we are talking about in church. We were told about Prayer Cards. Index cards that have names and stats on them. Not full sentences but words and scriptures to remind us how to pray. My thing is, if I don't journal or talk to you Lord daily, then there is a small percent of chance that I will go through these cards. I know that sounds bad. And so I am going to start small.
I am really hoping that I will be able to continue to do things at Lowe Lane with the kids.
Mom had an iron infusion today. Jenny went with her to sit. She said that she felt bad but once she got home after lunch she was sounding better. I am going into the office tomorrow to help Mom with some thins. I am hoping to lighten her load a little bit.
Soon school will be starting back. I am ready.
In the sermon this past Sunday, the pastor said that "God cares about the process that we are on." I feel that I am in the middle btw. my past and future. I know that sounds like common sense, but I feel like I am waiting for the next thing.
God just wants to be in my life. He wants to be at the center. It's easy now but once work comes back on, working 7-6 I will have to make time to be with Him. Oh, how that sounds bad. It feels bad to write it down. God should be in every move, in every word that I say.
Lord,
Help me to remember that You made me Lord. You formed me in my mothers womb. You know how many hairs I have on my head. Your son died for my sins even before I sinned. You knew that I was going to sin and you forgave and loved me anyway. You give me unconditional love. How can I forget all of that? how can I keep you at bay or just talk to you when needed?
Prayer is what we are talking about in church. We were told about Prayer Cards. Index cards that have names and stats on them. Not full sentences but words and scriptures to remind us how to pray. My thing is, if I don't journal or talk to you Lord daily, then there is a small percent of chance that I will go through these cards. I know that sounds bad. And so I am going to start small.
Lord, I feel like a panic attack is coming on when I pray to you. Why would that be? Help me to talk to you about things that are going on and not just to cry and explode when something triggers or it gets too much. I am doing the best that I can. I don't want to talk to the debt collectors b.c then it makes it real that I am in trouble. Even as I spoke to one an they weren't mean or told me that I was a bad person. I feel like my money problems are sinking me and i feel it throughout the whole day.
Help me to know that I can come to you without writing it down. That I can just whisper the words out and have a conversation with you. I know that you want to wrap your arms around me but I sure feel like I am a child that shouldn't/hadn't been forgiven. I don't want my days to be doing things just doing things instead of facing them,whatever they may be.
I lift up the Tinkham family. I remember Winn being a little shit and trying to get away with everything, even in fourth and fifth grade. It also shows me that I am older, okay, with the kids I had out of college at school are now in college themselves. How people have been married for years and others are having their second and third child. I am over the thoughts/the lists that I thought/believed that I had to check off before I would meet a man. Get skinny, have a cute hairstyle, manage my money. All of these I could check off in some way, but I know that there's no need. I am prefect in your sight Lord. You have forgiven and do not remember my past sins. And so why for I keep playing them over and over in my head? Help me to forgive myself, truly to and help me to stop replaying events in my head. I lift up my husband, wherever he is. I have had people question why I would pray for him and then others have revealed to me that they pray for their children's husbands.
Wherever he is lord, I lift him up to you. Comfort him and bring him people that he can converse with about you. In due time keeps ringing in my ear and I know that your time is not measured by seconds or days. It's hard Lord. It's really lonely at times. I take in account that you have made this man for me. Being in a relationship that you wouldn't deem worthy or one that any number of abusive ways wouldn't be healthy. I hold on to the fact that you love. You love me unconditionally and I haven't met my husband yet b/c I haven't or don't deserve him. I am sorry that I believed that at one time. Help me to be kind to myself b/c I really don't know how to. I second guess myself all of the time.
I love you Lord. Thank you for making me and giving me the love for other that you have. Help me this year for work. To not get bogged down with the gossip and to not take it personally when one of my coworkers don't want me to do something that I always have done.
AMEN!
Journal
I am slowly finishing a journal and I have a couple of new ones ready to be used. So, I have been journaling and praying to God and so I am going to share in this some things that I have written down. Here it goes.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Today
Today was a hard day. I didn't think it was going to be but it was.
1. I went into school to get some things set up. I wanted to put my things in my desk and to make a list of what I usually do and to see if it needs to be done this year. It took only 20 minutes to put everything back in my desks and to look around and make the list of things. It was also a reality that I will be in different classes. I am excited to be working with new people, they are wonderful. Change is just change and sometimes it's hard/different.
2. The viewing. It wasn't really that much of a viewing since Winn has been cremated. They had two TV's showing pictures of him, and of course I recognized his face from when he was younger. All I could see were guys and girls that were my sisters age, going into and second year college kids. They were huddled around the TV's and they all looked so young. It was sad that at their age they had to lose one of their friends. Winn was 19 so I had him in the after school program like 10 years ago. Jenny and I at that time were also working as lunchroom monitors and I remember the group of kids he was with like yesterday. They were a silly group, okay, they were "little shits". The whole group were mostly boys that tried to push my buttons every afternoon. I was just finishing high school so I didn't have the confidence like I do now to tell the kids what's what. Even with all the silliness, I liked my job. Enough to get a degree in Psychology to help listen to kids and also coming back to the school when DFCS turned out to be too much for me. In another way, it makes me feel old. Many people would say, "You are still young. 30 is young." I was reading a really good book about a friendship that spans 40 years. The woman in the book spoke about in one chapter of there lives when she was in her late 30's, the second wave of weddings. I have friends that have been married for years and are having their 2nd children. And I haven't had a date in years. So, walking about the Funeral Home today I felt old. In some ways bad but then also I feel like the Lord was watching over me and telling me that I am where I need to be. That he is there right beside me.
And so my Mom walked around the Funeral Home and finds Winn's mom. I could hear her laughing and I finally walk over to her. I could hear Mom saying that she wanted to come and said that the other Little River Teachers are thinking of the family. Also, Mom of course was talking about Winn being "a little shit" and always in trouble. The mom laughed and when I came up, his mom gave me a hug. She said, "Winn always gave you trouble." I said yes, but I loved him. Sometimes you don't even know who knows and sees what you do.
And so I am going to turn in and try to go to bed now. It's been a day and tomorrow will be another one. One of my last days at Lowe Lane and oh how I am going to miss it.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Just what I needed
Yesterday I went to Helen with Jenny and the kids. They went tubing and I took the time as an opportunity to Pray and spend time with God. I know that God doesn't need an appointment but I wanted deliberate quiet time with Him to talk about a couple of things that have been on my mind but I just didn't want to give over to Him. For three weeks my church is talking about Prayer. I think that even those it's one of the easiest ways to be with God and to help others, I don't do it. After talking with a friend the other night, I realized again that I don't b/c I don't want to give up Control. Also, if I talk to God about things, than he might make me do something about it.
Fridays usually aren't my days on Lowe Lane but I just wanted to be there. It just so happened that two other girls that were going to go couldn't, so I felt in another way that I should go and help. We had lots of help and not a lot of kids. The regulars came in, ate and then left. I was able to have one on one time with Patty, the cook and talk to her more. I have really enjoyed getting to know her better. I try to talk in Spanish and she talks in English to me about things. She had told me that she had a wedding to go to that night and she was excited about it. She had been writing number words and then we wrote out the alphabet and I went down the rows and helped her spell. I also asked her in Spanish to say the letters in her name in English. I said, say Patty b/c Patricia would be longer. She did really well. Another woman, Eve, her three girls and sister came to visit. They sat in the back with the kids talking and I was able to have even more time with Patty. The neighbor came over with her son and while her son ate at the front table, Eve, her sister, and Yolanda began talking about dancing. I am guessing that Yolanda had told my church friends that she likes to dance. Well, that gave way to Eve inviting Patty, Yolanda and whoever else to a Zumba class that night. Since Patty has the wedding, they decided on another night. Patty instantly looked at me and said, You come too, right? I told Eve to let me know at church on Sunday what time and where this Zumba class would be happening. It was nice. It showed another way that we aren't just feeding the kids but also trying to form relationships with the people on Lowe Lane.
One of the regular families came in and sat. I asked where my favorite Jose and Michelle were, and one of the kids said that they had to go with their mom to babysit some kids. There was two little boys, a girl, and then an older girl that has only come a couple of times. Since it was leftover day, we were giving out the chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, (the good stuff) and then making hot dogs. The older sister has to be in middle school. I knew that the portion that we gave her was just the same as her brothers. One brother was being silly but licking up the pineapple juice. I asked him if he wanted some more and he said yes. I asked the older sister if she wanted another plate and she said yes. They usually get a plate to go for another child, so I put a heaping amount of macaroni and cheese, carrots, and rolls on the plate for the girl and the other sibling that still needed to be fed. I didn't feel like, oh I am doing something bad for giving this growing girl two plates. If I were her size I would be hungry too. So, they are the regulars so I will see them on Tuesday and Weds of next week. And also Patty and Yolanda as I hopefully stay in the back for the Zumba class.
Monday, July 11, 2011
another book........
Here's another book that I recommend to read! It will make you want to fall in love or go to the circus. While we were at Callaway Gardens, there was a circus group that we got to see. They were flying high and doing all these wonderful stunts and I couldn't take my eyes off of them. It reminded me of this book. This movie was at the $1.75 show so I also watched it for the second time. Read the book!You have to read these books
This is the first in a trilogy of wonderful books. It's on the pre-teen section of Books a Million or Scholastic, but they are really good. I would recommend them to anyone. They also are making them into films.
Jemima J
This has to be my favorite book in the world. I think your favorite has to consist of a book that you can read over and over. I love the theme of a fat girl turning skinny and then finding her true love only when she realizes that she just needs to be healthy in her own body. I have two copies if you want to borrow it.
Felicity
This summer I also have watched old episodes of wonderful TV Show favorites. What About Brian, October Road, My So Called Life. But, my favorite show of all time was Felicity. I had all of the Seasons and could watch them through and through. Did I want Noel? In the end I wanted Ben to come back for me also.
I tried
Okay, while we were at Callaway Gardens, we had a pass to do different things. One of those things was to wade in the lake up to some jumpy things floating in the middle. You had to swim a little and then pull yourself up with some ropes. Jenny pulled herself up I would say easily, but she would say that it was tough. I tried about five times to pull myself up and couldn't. Jenny tried to help pull me up but I couldn't and so finally I just waded back into the water and got out.
Passport
My Real Passport!
Well, I didn't go anywhere in a plane or boat, but I did have adventures in the books that I read. I have two more books to finish my passport for the local library. It will make it that I have read 30 books on my passport!! I have read some more that didn't count, but I am ready to turn my passport in and hopefully I will win the BAG!!!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thought life
Psychologist Archibald Hart writes,
Research has shown that ones thought life influences every aspect of one's being.
So, the question becomes, What are you thinking about? Do you allow your thoughts to make you anxious? Do you have to make lists and go over and over things?
Research has shown that ones thought life influences every aspect of one's being.
So, the question becomes, What are you thinking about? Do you allow your thoughts to make you anxious? Do you have to make lists and go over and over things?
Psalm 142
Psalm 142
With my voice I cry to the Lord;
with my voice I make supplication to the Lord.
I pour out my complaint before Him;
I tell my trouble before Him.
With my voice I cry to the Lord;
with my voice I make supplication to the Lord.
I pour out my complaint before Him;
I tell my trouble before Him.
What else can happen?
Fear
Fear is an eternal warning cry that danger is nearby and we had better do something about it. It readies our bodies to flee or hide.
Doesn't have also sound like what a panic attack does? I remember learning about flight or fight response and how your body just takes over when it gets alarmed.
The problem is that for most of us, fear strikes when it's neither helpful or wanted. The book I am reading says that fear and worry are on in the same. Fear is caused by an external source while worry/anxiety is produced from the inside. Worry is fear that's unpacked it's bags and signed a long term lease. I have never thought of it, but that sounds true. Worrying is fear of the unknown, or waiting for something to happen.
If I am walking closely with God, if I have the sense of God bring with me, I find that problems lose their ability to damage my spirit.
Fear is an eternal warning cry that danger is nearby and we had better do something about it. It readies our bodies to flee or hide.
Doesn't have also sound like what a panic attack does? I remember learning about flight or fight response and how your body just takes over when it gets alarmed.
The problem is that for most of us, fear strikes when it's neither helpful or wanted. The book I am reading says that fear and worry are on in the same. Fear is caused by an external source while worry/anxiety is produced from the inside. Worry is fear that's unpacked it's bags and signed a long term lease. I have never thought of it, but that sounds true. Worrying is fear of the unknown, or waiting for something to happen.
If I am walking closely with God, if I have the sense of God bring with me, I find that problems lose their ability to damage my spirit.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
When Bad things happen to good people.
The one book that is taking me longer than an afternoon or a day to read is on my list for "Being on a Boat Ride." Oh how this is a boat ride of a book. The book is called You want to walk on water, You have to get out of the Boat by John Ortberg. I have seen this book on the shelf and have wanted to read it for a while. The book is wonderful detailing Peter getting out of the water during that terrible storm to be with the Lord. The chapter I am reading now is talking about Joseph, His Magical Coat, and his life. The book just talked about C.S Lewis' Screwtape Letters and says:
Although we would think people are most vulnerable to temptation in seasons when their energy level and appetites are highest, in fact it is when we are in the valley, when we are struck by sadness and desolation, that we are in the most dangerous place.
And I believe that is where many of us are. Okay, I know that's where I am at. When you don't think that anything else could go wrong, bam it does! and what do we have to do during that time? Just wait for the next upset or the next thing to go wrong? We are to stand firm and be true to your values. That's what the book says and that's all well and good but when you are having a crisis or are hit with a panic attack when you least expect it, control goes out of the window. Why is it easier to make someone else feel better when they are having a hard time or a crisis when in the same boat you berate yourself with hateful words and talk yourself into feeling like you are the worst person on Earth? Why is it that someone could tell me the same thing that is going on with me and I will not pity them or think they are a terrible person when in fact I am overcome with shame for myself? Why do I feel like God wouldn't look at me the same way? Why don't I feel like I deserve forgiveness?
Although we would think people are most vulnerable to temptation in seasons when their energy level and appetites are highest, in fact it is when we are in the valley, when we are struck by sadness and desolation, that we are in the most dangerous place.
And I believe that is where many of us are. Okay, I know that's where I am at. When you don't think that anything else could go wrong, bam it does! and what do we have to do during that time? Just wait for the next upset or the next thing to go wrong? We are to stand firm and be true to your values. That's what the book says and that's all well and good but when you are having a crisis or are hit with a panic attack when you least expect it, control goes out of the window. Why is it easier to make someone else feel better when they are having a hard time or a crisis when in the same boat you berate yourself with hateful words and talk yourself into feeling like you are the worst person on Earth? Why is it that someone could tell me the same thing that is going on with me and I will not pity them or think they are a terrible person when in fact I am overcome with shame for myself? Why do I feel like God wouldn't look at me the same way? Why don't I feel like I deserve forgiveness?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Lowe Lane
Oh, how I love my time at Lowe Lane. I am not one to get up in front of people, but a couple of Sunday's ago, I got up during a time of prayer and told about my time at Lowe Lane. I talked about how anyone could come and visit with the kids as they eat lunch. I talked about even though I am having a hard time with not having my second income of after school work, that God has been taking care of me and allowed me to use my time at Lowe Lane. I usually help out Tuesdays and Weds. Tuesdays is just overflow and I call the woman who in charge of everything and lets her know the things that we need for the upcoming week. Yesterday was Tuesday and we had enough help even without me being there. I stayed and made plates and my friend Lizzy S. brought some yarn and lanyard making things that she had bought from Hobby Lobby. Oh, how the kids loved working on their little projects. They either made a lanyard to go on their book bags, or they made friendship bracelets out of different colored string. They each played together with no fighting and we thankful for the things that were brought. They had to wait while others were shown how to make the things before it was their turn.
Today was Weds. and we served leftovers of mac and cheese and made barbecue plates. I had made the mistake of telling the kiddos that it was going to be chicken nugget day, but there was none brought when we got the groceries for the week. The kids did eat what was given to them and then most of them stayed to color. The coloring books have slowly come to having nearly no pages and you can also see that by three walls being covered with the finished projects. My favorite Jose and his sister were coming through the door about fifteen minutes before we would be ready. I told them that we were still cooking and he said, "I know, I will just wait and color." I had brought some bubbles and they had chosen which color that were going to get. After eating they came back to the front table and began to color. I found out that Jose and his sister Michelle live with the other two children that come. They are also brother and sister and so they have to share rooms with their parents. I asked Jose if there mom and dad knew where they were and that they were getting lunch. He said that his mom knew but his dad didn't. We talked about church and also about what movies he liked to watch. He said that they had a TV in their house and that they had Super Mario movies.
I also noticed that the one girl had the friendship bracelet that she had made on her ankle. I told her that it looked pretty and she had done a good job. She said thank you and said that she liked it too. Then Jose asked me if I liked Scary Movies. I told him No!! I was asked if I had seen The Grudge and said No even though I think that I had. That crazy little girl turns her head around and does crazy stuff. The kids had seen the movie and said that they weren't scared of it. They had talked about a couple of other movies and then said something about dolls becoming real at night and then the one girl pointed down and mouthed, "The Devil". I quickly thought to change the subject and asked them what TV shows that they liked to watch. I was glad that they began to talk about Sponge Bob and watching The Disney Channel. Then I think that they were ready to go out and play so they took there bubbles and were gone in a flash.
I remember that Jose asked me again what my name is and I told him, Christine and that I would be coming back on Tuesday. He said, why don't you come everyday? I want you to come everyday? It was sweet and I loved that there was someone else that cared for me just like I cared for all of them. I told him that other people from church would be coming the other days and he could play with them. He seemed to like that. I think that once we have pre-planning and go back to work, I will be sad to stop helping at Lowe Lane. The kids in that county go back August 15th, so the program will be running until August 12th. That will only mean that other people in the body of my church will have the opportunity to love on the kids of Lowe Lane also.
Today was Weds. and we served leftovers of mac and cheese and made barbecue plates. I had made the mistake of telling the kiddos that it was going to be chicken nugget day, but there was none brought when we got the groceries for the week. The kids did eat what was given to them and then most of them stayed to color. The coloring books have slowly come to having nearly no pages and you can also see that by three walls being covered with the finished projects. My favorite Jose and his sister were coming through the door about fifteen minutes before we would be ready. I told them that we were still cooking and he said, "I know, I will just wait and color." I had brought some bubbles and they had chosen which color that were going to get. After eating they came back to the front table and began to color. I found out that Jose and his sister Michelle live with the other two children that come. They are also brother and sister and so they have to share rooms with their parents. I asked Jose if there mom and dad knew where they were and that they were getting lunch. He said that his mom knew but his dad didn't. We talked about church and also about what movies he liked to watch. He said that they had a TV in their house and that they had Super Mario movies.
I also noticed that the one girl had the friendship bracelet that she had made on her ankle. I told her that it looked pretty and she had done a good job. She said thank you and said that she liked it too. Then Jose asked me if I liked Scary Movies. I told him No!! I was asked if I had seen The Grudge and said No even though I think that I had. That crazy little girl turns her head around and does crazy stuff. The kids had seen the movie and said that they weren't scared of it. They had talked about a couple of other movies and then said something about dolls becoming real at night and then the one girl pointed down and mouthed, "The Devil". I quickly thought to change the subject and asked them what TV shows that they liked to watch. I was glad that they began to talk about Sponge Bob and watching The Disney Channel. Then I think that they were ready to go out and play so they took there bubbles and were gone in a flash.
I remember that Jose asked me again what my name is and I told him, Christine and that I would be coming back on Tuesday. He said, why don't you come everyday? I want you to come everyday? It was sweet and I loved that there was someone else that cared for me just like I cared for all of them. I told him that other people from church would be coming the other days and he could play with them. He seemed to like that. I think that once we have pre-planning and go back to work, I will be sad to stop helping at Lowe Lane. The kids in that county go back August 15th, so the program will be running until August 12th. That will only mean that other people in the body of my church will have the opportunity to love on the kids of Lowe Lane also.
Good Works
Why is it that I can tell others about how to get to heaven, have a relationship with God, but I don't think of to tell myself the same thing?
You don't have to do anything, you are giving yourself to the Lord. You can't dig wells in Africa, you can't help a person on the side of the road, you can't help out at Lowe Lane and automatically have a better in with God. Yes, he wants a relationship with you and Him working through you to show others Himself through the things you do and who you are. Gosh, that was a lot for one sentence. It's to say that you don't have to check off things on a list to be with Him, all you have to do is believe what Jesus did on the cross in order for you to truly live.
When I was in Guatemala, I was still a new Christian and had read the Roman Road and knew what to say to save someone b/c I had written it down and practiced it. That all goes out the window when you are sitting in front of someone to share God with and they don't even speak your language. That's when God uses you and your heart to show them what He has done in your own life. A lot of them thought, "I'm a good person, so I get into heaven." They didn't know that a silent prayer to the Lord is what it is. Okay, you pray the prayer and then like God's your Fairy Godmother and He shakes his wand and all your dreams come true! Umm......No! Ask any Christian out there, your life doesn't instantly change, but your HEART does.
Back to Guatemala, I remember sitting with the translator and thinking, "Why doesn't this person get it? Why are they going to have seen the doctor but not have really visited with the True Physician?"
I think that I am like those Guatemalans. I want to think in my head, I was nice today. I didn't buy anything and make myself more in debt. I also think of things to do so I can be closer to God. Like I put him on a calendar. I won't watch tv for a week and instead read. I'll only drink Crystal Lite and won't have anything with caffeine. And then what? I usually don't do it or last only a couple of days and then I take it out on God or hate myself even more for not doing what I put on my list.
It just so happens that the other morning I was on the couch watching TV and Joyce Meyer was one. I love her. I think that people either love her or hate her. I didn't like her at first b/c I didn't really want to hear what she had to say. She was talking about guess what? Spending time with God and not needing to have a to do list. She said that all you have to do is hold your hands out and just give it to the Lord. Shout it or just tell him that you are sorry and you would like to be forgiven. What? That's it? Why have I been feeling guilty and making myself sick when all God wants me to do is come to Him and tell Him what's really going on with my life. He already knows and has seen everything. And it goes again with my Control Issues b/c if I tell him and ask for his help than that means I can't do it on my own. That means that I haven't been doing it correctly? Right? Because however many times I have tried to do it on my own or have pushed things under the rug to deal with later, God keeps dusting and sweeping underneath there and wants me to give all of that mess to Him. Not to feel defeated but loved and taken care of by Him. And yes, he does not have a wand and things won't instantly be cleaned, but what I can do is be encouraged by the fact that He is right there with me. He is standing beside me and he's holding my hand as we face whatever it is that's next to come. Singleness forever? Debt Issues forever? Whatever they are.....He is with me and I need to not hide from him and sweep things under the rug. I need to sit at His feet and enjoy the time with Him.
You don't have to do anything, you are giving yourself to the Lord. You can't dig wells in Africa, you can't help a person on the side of the road, you can't help out at Lowe Lane and automatically have a better in with God. Yes, he wants a relationship with you and Him working through you to show others Himself through the things you do and who you are. Gosh, that was a lot for one sentence. It's to say that you don't have to check off things on a list to be with Him, all you have to do is believe what Jesus did on the cross in order for you to truly live.
When I was in Guatemala, I was still a new Christian and had read the Roman Road and knew what to say to save someone b/c I had written it down and practiced it. That all goes out the window when you are sitting in front of someone to share God with and they don't even speak your language. That's when God uses you and your heart to show them what He has done in your own life. A lot of them thought, "I'm a good person, so I get into heaven." They didn't know that a silent prayer to the Lord is what it is. Okay, you pray the prayer and then like God's your Fairy Godmother and He shakes his wand and all your dreams come true! Umm......No! Ask any Christian out there, your life doesn't instantly change, but your HEART does.
Back to Guatemala, I remember sitting with the translator and thinking, "Why doesn't this person get it? Why are they going to have seen the doctor but not have really visited with the True Physician?"
I think that I am like those Guatemalans. I want to think in my head, I was nice today. I didn't buy anything and make myself more in debt. I also think of things to do so I can be closer to God. Like I put him on a calendar. I won't watch tv for a week and instead read. I'll only drink Crystal Lite and won't have anything with caffeine. And then what? I usually don't do it or last only a couple of days and then I take it out on God or hate myself even more for not doing what I put on my list.
It just so happens that the other morning I was on the couch watching TV and Joyce Meyer was one. I love her. I think that people either love her or hate her. I didn't like her at first b/c I didn't really want to hear what she had to say. She was talking about guess what? Spending time with God and not needing to have a to do list. She said that all you have to do is hold your hands out and just give it to the Lord. Shout it or just tell him that you are sorry and you would like to be forgiven. What? That's it? Why have I been feeling guilty and making myself sick when all God wants me to do is come to Him and tell Him what's really going on with my life. He already knows and has seen everything. And it goes again with my Control Issues b/c if I tell him and ask for his help than that means I can't do it on my own. That means that I haven't been doing it correctly? Right? Because however many times I have tried to do it on my own or have pushed things under the rug to deal with later, God keeps dusting and sweeping underneath there and wants me to give all of that mess to Him. Not to feel defeated but loved and taken care of by Him. And yes, he does not have a wand and things won't instantly be cleaned, but what I can do is be encouraged by the fact that He is right there with me. He is standing beside me and he's holding my hand as we face whatever it is that's next to come. Singleness forever? Debt Issues forever? Whatever they are.....He is with me and I need to not hide from him and sweep things under the rug. I need to sit at His feet and enjoy the time with Him.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Friendship Bracelets
Today was interesting. Mom, Jenny, and I had plans to go to Olive Garden for lunch and then to see the movie, Larry Crowne. It's five dollars during a time on Tuesdays and dollar popcorn and drinks.
Before that, I went to Lowe Lane to see if they needed any help. Sometimes on Tuesdays there is needed help, but there was only 10 kids show up and my friend Lizzy brought yarn and things for the kids to make bracelets and things to put on their school bag. They were SO excited to work on the yarn. One of my new friends, Jose, came in early and decided to stay while he waited for us to finish making lunch. It was a big helping of mac and cheese, green beans, and carrots with Ranch dressing. The kids had even asked for more after they played a little bit. I had introduced Jose's sister Michelle to Lizzy. Michelle's face lit up when I introduced her b/c I think she was excited that someone had remembered her name. It was so nice to spend my time at Lowe Lane. I was able to love on some kids and just be me with them. I told Jose to get out of the kitchen and he asked what we were having tomorrow. I told him that it's chicken nuggets day. As I was leaving Jose said, Are you going home? I said, yes but I will be back tomorrow. I said, Is that okay if I come back? Jose screamed, I want you to come back tomorrow!
I paid my bills or did the best that I could to pay my bills today. I think that in some aspects really down deep I might have gone to Lowe Lane not just to help but also to "work" off some debt to God. How crazy is that when there isn't anything we can do or need to do. All we have to do is lay at His feet and give it all to Him. God reminded me that you don't need a huge meal or fast food to have a good meal. Or to have a good time.
On another note, I have been reminded many times that some of my words aren't spelled correctly. I am now going to look back and read over my blog again. I suppose the things that I have been typing I need to allow to sink in.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Single in Canton
I think that all singles get like this at times. I can go to a baby shower/talk to you about your upcoming wedding and not hate you. Most days I am happy to go home, watch/do whatever I want and not be like Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny with her "biological clock ticking." But, some days I wish that I did have a date. A last phone call of the night. I also know that God loves me better than I could ever think of. And so at these times I still know that God understands but also knows that I would love a husband and not a string of dates.
And lately I have noticed the books/movies that I read/watch go along with the girl getting her guy in the end.
Leap Year: Hello! She had two guys to choose from in the end.
Notting Hill: Hugh was just a regular guy that loved Julia for who she was and not just what she did.
The book that I just read was about a girl that went to live with their grandpa in the wilderness after her parents dies. She lived there until college where she met the man of her dreams only after God placed his sister in the girls life as her only friend.
Another book was about three children who get adopted separately after their parents are killed in a fire. The main sister dresses like a boy, yes a boy, to be adopted. She meets her beau after she continues to dress like a man to achieve a substantial photo career.
I read of a college group of friends that get stranded on an island. Two divorced people reconnect and falls back into love.
What about Jane Eyre? She helps her beau our of being burnt, did the right thing when she found out that he was married and still ended up with him in the end!
I could go on and on. Something Borrowed and Something Blue. She was self centered and in the end she still was given the love of her life!
What about the Shopaholic Books? She kept getting in debt and her husband never said a bad thing about her.
You may be thinking then don't read those books. But the stories and movies are all around us. Look at your friends and how they got together with their husbands. Look at the relationships around you. And I may just be holding out hope an giving prayers that one day God will bring me a man that I am supposed to be with. That's what I am praying for.
And lately I have noticed the books/movies that I read/watch go along with the girl getting her guy in the end.
Leap Year: Hello! She had two guys to choose from in the end.
Notting Hill: Hugh was just a regular guy that loved Julia for who she was and not just what she did.
The book that I just read was about a girl that went to live with their grandpa in the wilderness after her parents dies. She lived there until college where she met the man of her dreams only after God placed his sister in the girls life as her only friend.
Another book was about three children who get adopted separately after their parents are killed in a fire. The main sister dresses like a boy, yes a boy, to be adopted. She meets her beau after she continues to dress like a man to achieve a substantial photo career.
I read of a college group of friends that get stranded on an island. Two divorced people reconnect and falls back into love.
What about Jane Eyre? She helps her beau our of being burnt, did the right thing when she found out that he was married and still ended up with him in the end!
I could go on and on. Something Borrowed and Something Blue. She was self centered and in the end she still was given the love of her life!
What about the Shopaholic Books? She kept getting in debt and her husband never said a bad thing about her.
You may be thinking then don't read those books. But the stories and movies are all around us. Look at your friends and how they got together with their husbands. Look at the relationships around you. And I may just be holding out hope an giving prayers that one day God will bring me a man that I am supposed to be with. That's what I am praying for.
Are you a Mary or a Martha?
Sunday's sermon was on Mary and Martha. You can check them out in Luke 10:38-42. I have always known that I was a Martha, so I have had a hard time with knowing why people had a problem with her. It hit me that Martha forgot Him and just remembered the service. That's so me. My problem with work last year was the Bitter Bettyness of, "Does anyone see all that I am doing? Can you see where I have been and what I have done?" The pastor hit the nail in the head when he said that Martha became BOTHERED, DISTRACTED, and ANXIOUS with her to do list.
My friend sent me in the mail a wonderful gift. It's a journal that helps with making and keeping up with to do lists. Could that have been any more perfect of a gift for me?
I am so busy making lists and thinking about how I am going to fix my debt or making lists in my mind of how I am a good person even with this debt.
After the prayer/Benediction, a friend prayed that God would make it known to us if we need to go into a closet and sit at His feet. I so felt that need with the upcoming school year and me being a Martha and wanting to do everything and me not wanting to pay bills b/c I want to throw up thinking about how much money I really do have in the bank, I want to run/flee and not sit at the feet of Jesus. B.c I think that I can control the outcomes and I........
Lord,
I lift up my trying to be You. If I give up control than what is there for me to do? How am I to be/act? I want to what's right and I don't even know what that is. Please help me Lord.
Amen.
My friend sent me in the mail a wonderful gift. It's a journal that helps with making and keeping up with to do lists. Could that have been any more perfect of a gift for me?
I am so busy making lists and thinking about how I am going to fix my debt or making lists in my mind of how I am a good person even with this debt.
After the prayer/Benediction, a friend prayed that God would make it known to us if we need to go into a closet and sit at His feet. I so felt that need with the upcoming school year and me being a Martha and wanting to do everything and me not wanting to pay bills b/c I want to throw up thinking about how much money I really do have in the bank, I want to run/flee and not sit at the feet of Jesus. B.c I think that I can control the outcomes and I........
Lord,
I lift up my trying to be You. If I give up control than what is there for me to do? How am I to be/act? I want to what's right and I don't even know what that is. Please help me Lord.
Amen.
Friday, July 1, 2011
My Worth and such
Well, I had to get out of the house again today. It was leaning on me not moving from the couch and either falling asleep or watching some program that I have already seen and later regretted that I hadn't used that time to do anything else. I did take a shower and clean up around the house so I felt like I had accomplished something for today. You know when your mind tries to play tricks on you or that you have so many things going on in your head you can't make them stop? That's me. I can't read my book b/c I am thinking about how I have so much more to read to finish it. I can't read my book b/c I feel like I could be doing something else in the house such as taking the magazines out of my bathroom or going through my clothes and getting to ready to have things to wear when I get back to school. So, do you understand why I would just rather lay on the couch?
So, I am at the library again and went to check my e-mail and Lord and Behold, God is always taking care of us. He is always taking care of ME. I have signed up for these daily e-mails for devotionals or pick me ups. I usually don't read them everyday but clicked on one before starting this.
The Scripture of the day was: 2 Kings 4:3
Elisha, go around to the neighbors and ask for empty jars. Don't ask for a few.
The passage is about a widow that asked for help from Elisha. He brought her the needed jars and she filled them with oil and then sold them. She was able to give money for the jars and then also have money for herself.
The woman who wrote the article talked about how she/we usually never asks for help from friends. Um..that's me. I am a helper not one that needs help. She said that god had repeatedly asked her to call to a place of greater interdependence with others. She said that God had begun to work miracles in her life when she asked others for prayer. She said that God often plans to meet her needs through someone else. That's usually what I do, being my Love Language being Acts of Service, I am ready to help anyone. And so when it comes to asking for Help, I often feel like I should be able to do it on my own. Thinking on it I know that I can tell my sister that I am having a bad day and she will know exactly what I am talking about. I have a couple of close friends that know all there is to know about me and still loves me the same. I can tell them that I know that my tiredness and anxiousness I should be dealing with before it gets worse. I can tell them that I just got paid and am nervous about seeing how much I have in the bank b/c I am afraid that I can't cover all of my bills this month. I can tell them that I feel like my Worth is shown in being able to pay my bills and even though I have a full time job plus after school to work, my summers are tough b/c I don't make enough money. Then I look at my mother and wonder how she took care of everything when we were little and how we were able to do everything like every other child and she did it. How I have friends that are dealing with a loss of a marriage and they are struggling at times with two and three kids! And how I don't look at them any different or feel that they are lesser or that God hates them or is mad at them so then why do I feel like my Worth comes from my bank account?
And so I am thanking God for giving me this e-mail today and a friend that texted me and asked me how I was doing and I could really tell her the truth.
This is the last part of the e-mail and it is so fitting so today.
Lord,
Forgive me for the times that I have kept to myself, believing that I have everything necessary to solve my problems. In doing so I might have missed Your plan for meeting my needs through others. Help me to identify pride and give it to you. Help me to have a teachable and humble Spirit.
Amen.
So, I am at the library again and went to check my e-mail and Lord and Behold, God is always taking care of us. He is always taking care of ME. I have signed up for these daily e-mails for devotionals or pick me ups. I usually don't read them everyday but clicked on one before starting this.
The Scripture of the day was: 2 Kings 4:3
Elisha, go around to the neighbors and ask for empty jars. Don't ask for a few.
The passage is about a widow that asked for help from Elisha. He brought her the needed jars and she filled them with oil and then sold them. She was able to give money for the jars and then also have money for herself.
The woman who wrote the article talked about how she/we usually never asks for help from friends. Um..that's me. I am a helper not one that needs help. She said that god had repeatedly asked her to call to a place of greater interdependence with others. She said that God had begun to work miracles in her life when she asked others for prayer. She said that God often plans to meet her needs through someone else. That's usually what I do, being my Love Language being Acts of Service, I am ready to help anyone. And so when it comes to asking for Help, I often feel like I should be able to do it on my own. Thinking on it I know that I can tell my sister that I am having a bad day and she will know exactly what I am talking about. I have a couple of close friends that know all there is to know about me and still loves me the same. I can tell them that I know that my tiredness and anxiousness I should be dealing with before it gets worse. I can tell them that I just got paid and am nervous about seeing how much I have in the bank b/c I am afraid that I can't cover all of my bills this month. I can tell them that I feel like my Worth is shown in being able to pay my bills and even though I have a full time job plus after school to work, my summers are tough b/c I don't make enough money. Then I look at my mother and wonder how she took care of everything when we were little and how we were able to do everything like every other child and she did it. How I have friends that are dealing with a loss of a marriage and they are struggling at times with two and three kids! And how I don't look at them any different or feel that they are lesser or that God hates them or is mad at them so then why do I feel like my Worth comes from my bank account?
And so I am thanking God for giving me this e-mail today and a friend that texted me and asked me how I was doing and I could really tell her the truth.
This is the last part of the e-mail and it is so fitting so today.
Lord,
Forgive me for the times that I have kept to myself, believing that I have everything necessary to solve my problems. In doing so I might have missed Your plan for meeting my needs through others. Help me to identify pride and give it to you. Help me to have a teachable and humble Spirit.
Amen.
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